Twenty Alternatives to Punishment
by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
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LOOK FOR UNDERLYING NEEDS.
Example: Give your child something to play with while waiting in line. -
GIVE INFORMATION AND REASONS.
Example: If your child colors on the wall, explain why we color on paper only. -
LOOK FOR UNDERLYING FEELINGS.
Acknowledge, accept & listen to feelings. Example: If your child hits his baby sister, encourage him to express his anger and jealousy in harmless ways. He may need to cry or rage. -
CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT.
This is sometimes easier than trying to change the child. Example: If your child repeatedly takes things out of the kitchen cupboards, put a childproof lock on them. -
FIND ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATIVES.
Redirect your child’s behavior. Example: If you do not want your child to build a fort in the dining room, don’t just say no. Tell her where she can build one. -
DEMONSTRATE HOW YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO BEHAVE.
Example: If your child pulls a cat’s tail, show her how to pet a cat. Do not rely on words alone. -
GIVE CHOICES RATHER THAN COMMANDS.
Decision-making empowers children; commands invite a power struggle. Example: “Would you like to brush your teeth before or after putting your pajamas on?” -
MAKE SMALL CONCESSIONS.
Example: “I’ll let you skip brushing your teeth tonight because you are so tired.” -
PROVIDE FOR A PERIOD OF PREPARATION.
Example: If you are counting on company for dinner, tell your child how you expect him to behave. Be specific. Role-playing can help prepare children for potentially difficult situations. -
LET NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OCCUR (when appropriate).
Don’t rescue too much. Example: A child who does not hang up her bathing suit and towel may find them still wet the next day. (But don’t create artificial consequences.) -
COMMUNICATE YOUR OWN FEELINGS.
Let children know how their behavior affects you. Example: “I get so tired of cleaning up crumbs in the living room.” -
USE ACTIONS WHEN NECESSARY.
Example: If your child insists on running across streets on your walks together, hold his hand tightly (while explaining the dangers). -
HOLD YOUR CHILD.
Children who are acting aggressively or obnoxiously can benefit from holding, in a loving and supportive way, that allows them to channel their pent-up feelings into healing tears. -
REMOVE YOUR CHILD FROM THE SITUATION AND STAY WITH HER.
Use the time for listening, sharing feelings, holding, and conflict-resolution. -
DO IT TOGETHER, BE PLAYFUL.
Many conflict situations can be turned into games. Examples: “Let’s pretend we’re the seven dwarfs while we clean up,” “Let’s take turns brushing each other’s teeth.” -
DEFUSE THE SITUATION WITH LAUGHTER.
Example: If your child is mad at you, invite him to express his anger in a playful pillow fight with you. Play your part by surrendering dramatically. Laughter helps resolve anger and feelings of powerlessness. -
MAKE A DEAL, NEGOTIATE.
Example: If you’re ready to leave the playground and your child is having fun, reach an agreement on the number of times she may go down the slide before leaving. -
DO MUTUAL CONFLICT-RESOLUTION.
Discuss ongoing conflicts with your children, state your own needs, and ask for their help in finding solutions. Determine rules together. Hold family meetings. -
REVISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Young children have intense feelings and needs and are naturally loud, curious, messy, willful, impatient, demanding, creative, forgetful, fearful, self-centered, and full of energy. Try to accept them as they are. -
TAKE A PARENTAL TIME-OUT.
Leave the room and do whatever is needed to regain your sense of composure and good judgment. Examples: call a friend, cry, meditate, or take a shower.
taken from www.awareparenting.com
Got loads of good advice there…
