Time-out is a way of disciplining your child for misbehavior without raising your hand or your voice. Time-out involves removing your child from the good stuff in life, for a small amount of time, immediately following misbehavior. Time-out for children is similar to penalties used for hockey players. When a hockey player has misbehaved on the ice, he is required to go to the penalty area for two minutes. The referee does not scream at, threaten, or hit the player. He merely blows the whistle and points to the penalty area. During the penalty time, the player is not allowed to play, only watch. Time-out bothers hockey players because they would rather play hockey than watch. Keep this hockey comparison in mind when using time-out for your child. Children usually do not like time-out because they would rather play than watch other kids play. So when you use time-out in response to a misbehavior, remove your child from whatever he or she is doing and have him or her sit down.
1.Choose time-out areas.
2.Explain time-out.
3.Use time-out every time the problem behaviors occur.
4.Be specific and brief when you explain why your child must go to time-out.
5.Do not talk to or look at your child during time-out.
6.If your child gets up from the chair, return him or her to the chair with no talking.
7.Your child must be calm and quiet to leave time-out once time is up.
8.Your child must answer yes politely when you ask, “Would you like to get up?â€
9.If you wanted your child to follow an instruction, give him or her another chance after time-out is over. And, in general, deliver a few other easy-to-follow commands so your child clearly learns who is in charge and who is not.
how do you know when your child is cognitively advanced enough to understand what a time out is? I know it works well with older children (eg 4 yo) … thanks!
Thank you zaku for sharing this article. I especially like that they added “catch them being good,†that is very important. I got the following info and guidelines on time-outs from the book “Becoming the Parent You Want To Be†by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser. (ETA: The authors also suggest parents can take time-outs when they need a break and do something for themselves.)
Limitations of timeouts:
Time-outs can be scary for children who don’t understand time: children under 2 ½ only understand “nowâ€. A 2 minute time-out can seem to them like an eternity.
Time-outs deal only with behavior, not the reasons behind the behavior
Time-outs often remove the child from a situation he still has a lot to learn from: rather than isolate the child, it may be preferable to help him find a new solution or environment.**
Time-out guidelines:
Time outs should never be longer than a few minutes: 1 minute per year of age
Your child should know what to expect
Time-outs should not be overused: if you want children to understand the seriousness of time-outs, use them sparingly.
Whenever possible include children in setting up their own time-outs: if you involve the child in thinking about how a “break†might help her calm down and include her in determining when she will be ready to rejoin the activity, eventually she can learn how to create safe outlets for herself.
** Here I omitted several paragraphs from the book. I was too lazy to type it all out. Here are some articles from their website that offer alternatives to time-outs that help children learn from the situation.
Time outs are a lazy impatient parent’s way of spanking. The term is comfortable, because it comes from sports. But it’s punishment, not discipline, and doesn’t address the child’s need. A different (and IMO, more rational) take on disciplining our toddlers. Http://bit.ly/cjcrwC
Hi McDume,
Though I appreciate your intention, I disagree with two assumptions I see in your post. Maybe you did not intend these assumptions, but were communicated at least to me.
First I don’t think time-outs are not necessarily punitive. I take a time-out every time I need one rather than do something regrettable. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the job of parenting with limited resources/help and unfortunately I was not raised with the proper tools to diffuse my own anger. Now as a parent I am dealing with resurfacing emotions I was always taught to repress. I think time-out is an intermediary step to handle anger, somewhere between tantrums and just letting go. If my children decide they want to take a time-out to cool off I will support their decision. This may not be the best tool to handle strong emotions, but it is the best tool I have right now. I’m working on it and growing alongside my children. Maybe someday I will be cool like Fonzie.
My second disagreement with your post is that I don’t think parents who use punitive time-outs are lazy and impatient. I think it is more an issue of information. Most of us were raised under the paradigm that children must be punished in order to behave, and most popular parenting books still endorse this view. Yet there are so many other tools available that don’t involve punishments but still teach a lesson. That is why I tried to provide an alternate approach toward time-outs in my previous post.
“You did then what you knew how to do and when you knew better… you did better!†-Maya Angelou
As a kgtn classroom teacher I had a special place in my room that was used as a “quiet space”. Either I OR the child could decide that they needed to go to that space for a few moments. When I could see that a meltdown or a poor choice was about to happen, I’d approach the child and say quietly in their ear “Would you like to choose to go to the quiet spot to think about what you want to do next? If not, I will choose for you.” Often they would go completely on their own - even without my suggestion. However, sometimes I could see that I needed to help them conclude that this would be a good time to step away from the troublesome situation.
To model this way of coping, when I was getting stressed I’d announce to the class or child that my heart was getting all “scrunchy” and I felt like I wanted to yell or push something. So instead of doing that I would go over to the quiet place to take some deep breaths and while I was gone they were to work quietly by themselves. Of course, I could fully see the room and ensure that everyone was safe, but let me tell you, being a kindergarten teacher isn’t all sunshine and roses - sometimes I wished I could hide out there all day! Then, I’d come back to the group/child and say “While I was in the quiet space I decided that a good way to solve this problem and not get frustrated is to …” So that they’d remember that the quiet place was a place for them to solve issues.
Of course, a 5 year old can think these things out better than the 2 year old I am now raising!
I totally agree with Twinergy. Even as an adult, when I’m frustrated, or angry I need to step away from the situation and think of a better way to handle it. So I give myself a time out, to cool off and think about things carefully to make sure I don’t do something I regret.
I want to teach my children, when they are fighting or misbehaving, that perhaps they should sit down and think about their actions. Sometimes its to provide them time to cool off so they can actually listen and process the ideas I might suggest to them on how they could handle the situation better. Sometimes if were having an off day and my son is acting out, and I get frustrated, I give us both a timeout. Then when I’m calmed I go and work things out with him.
I don’t think timeout is lazy parenting. It takes a better person to step back from the situation rather then act out on emotion. I will be the first to admit im not a perfect parent. So if time out is lazy, I guess i’m lazy. But its better then what they would have if I acted on emotion.
And we do what when our child refuses to go to time out? In the hockey analogy, what does the referee do if the player refuses to get off the ice, continues to play hockey, ignores the referee, shouts at the referee or whacks the referee with the hockey stick?
If you show your child how to listen now, you should not have these problems hen they are older. When my son was 3 if he refused to go to timeout he lost a privilige, and he still had to go to timeout. If he came out I would go without saying too much a put him back. It was a processes, I mean the first time I think he came out of timeout 35 times. But as soon as he for his short period of time(2mins) he was allowed out. Then he was not allowed to watch tv that night. The next time he needed timeout, and he didn’t want to go I reminded him how last time he lost tv too because he would not sit. LOL he lost TV a few times, buit the second time he only came out of time out 20 times, then the next time 10. Then he’d go and they would not lose TV time. Now he is 4 almost 5 and we RARELY use time out. Because when I see him getting out of control I suggest, may its time for a time out. Usually the behavior stops. It was so hard, but was what we needed to do, and it worked for our family
Forgive me for this option, but I noticed alot working in a pediatric office, we had the most problems with the children whos parents were more concerned with being there childs friend then there parent. What is your child going to do when they are in preschool and its time to clean up? If they start preschool when they are 3 or 4 and you haven’t used the first few years teaching your child that sometimes they have to do somethings they may not like, who is going to suffer. Not you, not even the teacher really, the child will because they will be so confused. Even if you don’t believe in timeout, just follow through with what you say. Ideal threats are so useless.
mmm. well, I am not so sure he is in a state of even hearing about losing privileges when told to go in a time out… it seems to become less about whatever he has done, or what he may lose, and all a battle about not going into the time out… and yes, not saying anything and putting him back into time out, I can do that. Or try to. And get into a total physical struggle with him where I cannot even let him go, let alone put him back in and count how many times I have done it. And he is already 4 going on 5. And he was adopted at age 2, so advice about “starting in the first couple of years” is a bit pointless.
I guess I can continue to physically struggle with him. It seems easier to simply deny the tv privileges than to fight to get him to sit down some place AND still have to deny tv privileges on top of it. And yes, we do discuss the behaviour when he is calmed down, and discuss losing the tv privileges because of the original behaviour (not losing tv privileges for not sitting down, which in itself is supposed to be losing the privilege of interacting because of the original behaviour)… I have just mostly decided to skip the “time out” part. It becomes such a struggle it seems totally counterproductive, and we totally lose sight of what the original problem was (throwing sand, refusing to leave the park etc)
I, on the other hand, give myself time out’s when I need to. To calm down and plan next plan of action. But I was always curious about how exactly to put a kid in timeout who just physically and emotionally refuses to go into the time out.
I have intended on responding to this thread for awhile, but have been sick. First of all I want to say that parenting is a tough job I respect other parents’ decision to use time outs as a means of discipline. I don’t judge my friends for using them and I don’t judge anyone here. But there are further limitations of time outs that haven’t been brought up and I feel people should be able to see the other side to make an informed decision. Again I intend no disrespect or criticism, I’m just informing.
As for time outs an increasing number of experts, psychologists, are dismissing external stimuli, rewards and punishments, as effective means of shaping behavior. Although they can achieve the desired effect in the short term, new studies are finding that they have undesired long term side effects. Specifically external stimuli must remain to continue their motivation; the children raised with excessive rewards and punishments are less likely to “behave†when there is nobody around to give them a pat on the head or enforce the rules. It has been difficult to find an article against using time outs that doesn’t have the guilt trip side effect. I recently found this article, and I think it respectfully explains the Disadvantages of Time-Out without implying any blame. For further reading and interesting book is Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It cites many, possible hundreds, of different studies to back up his position and is fascinating to read for all the different studies. But if you do read it, be forewarned that he also gives his opinions along with a heavy dose of guilt trip so just ignore that part.
For those who decide to use time outs, I have learned of some further guidelines that I would like to share. I have a friend, and educator with a psychology degree, who is a advocate of time outs when used properly. I would like to share her advice.
Start behaviors are those you want to encourage while stop behaviors are those you want to discourage. Discipline/ consequences are only effective at shaping the stop behaviors. Use encouragements with start behaviors.
Limit targeted behaviors to never more than 5 at a time until the behavior is learned.
Think about the reason behind the behavior, make sure their needs are being met.
Gives warnings: 2 warnings then consequence on the third offence gives them a chance to control their behavior themselves. She counts 3-2 the 1 and consequence. Be consistent, no counting 1 and a half etc.
Don’t start time outs before age 3
That is all I can remember now, I will add more if I think of them.
ETA.
6. Kids tend to experiment with new behaviors in 3 week cycles
