My childs aba consultant says that if you use counting your training the child that they can get away with the behavior till just before you reach the number ex 3
I’m also confused why people would ask for advice on time out when they already decided not to use it?
Its up to each parent to decide what works for each child. If someone is going to ask my option, I’m going to share it. I mean no disrespect, but I will not just say what others want to hear.
Best of luck this is the last I will come to this topic because everyone has there own ways and feels strongly about it which is great. So I’m going to stick to what works best for my son and I hope everyone finds there own way. Its trial and error
Is this directed at me? I said “mostly decided”, and that was due to it not working… which is of course EXACTLY why I would ask for advice. If you mostly decided never to parallel park, as you have a heck of a time doing it without causing a fender bender, that seems EXACTLY the reason to ask for advice on however to parallel park with success. Esp when others seem to have such success and ease doing it.
Anyways it is interesting that a child who has learned not to be in an authoritarian relationship with the parent would refuse to go to their room or sit in a chair etc… this probably explains in large part why I don’t have this success: We do more discussing about why to do things, what the results of doing or not doing something (causing pain, hurting others’ feelings etc), and less “because mommy said so”… so I guess if I go into “because mommy said so” mode, he rejects it. Anyways, I am still listening to all sides. But thanks, please don’t judge others who don’t have this instant “touch” of getting their kid to quietly and compliantly acquiesce to go into time out, and then ask for advice.
Twinergy, thank-you, that link on The Disadvantages of Time-Out by Aletha Solter, PhD was excellent. http://www.awareparenting.com/timeout.htm
It expresses some of the misgivings I have about time outs (though I admit I always felt like a failure as a parent for not being able to properly enforce them… or rather I could when he was 2 yrs old but not 4) and some of the other “nonviolent” discipline that relies on emotional and social manipulation and consequences instead of physical consequences. Having a father that used a lot of emotional pressure, I always found that to be more damaging and long lasting than a whack (not advocating whacks, but at least, like a parking ticket, they were a limited known quantity, quickly administered and quickly gotten over).
Lots of food for thought. And I’ll look into the book you recommend.
thankyou
In the 2 months or so that we started using time-outs (starting when my daughter turned 20 months old), we have had to use it only a few times. But she understands what a time out is and why she gets one. And I know this, because soon after starting time-outs, she was playing with her dad in the bathtub one time, and her dad told her, “Don’t drink the water.” Of course, being a toddler, she promptly cupped some water in her hands and pretended to drink it. Before my husband could react however, she stood up, went to the end of the tub, sat herself on the step, and said, “Ella tine-out.” Now, of course, we NEVER put her in time-out for things that are as minor as this, but I only tell this incident to show that, yes, in my daughter’s case, she understands full well what it means.
Also, an article in one of the posted links above mentioned that children may be emotionally harmed by time-out because they may come to view this sort of isolation as abandonment and loss of love. And that even when parents are careful to provide reassurances of their love, it simply would not register with the child. That was also one of my bigger concerns even as I was using time-outs. I was worried that the emotional effect would be more harmful and long-lasting than a quick whack to the bottom (which is what my siblings and I grew up with with no lasting ill-effects.) However, one time I overheard this babyish conversation going on between my dd and her beloved stuffed alligator and stuffed hippo. Apparently, alligator had bitten hippo and so Ella picked alligator up, shook her index finger at it, and said, “No, no, no…Listen! No biting!..Be nice, A-dator. No biting. A-dator tine-out!” and she proceeded to put alligator on one side of the bed away from her and hippo. After a few minutes, she went back to pick up alligator and said, “I love you, A-dator!” Then, holding one of the alligator’s legs, she rubbed it on the alligator’s belly (signing sorry) while saying, “A-dator sowee, hippo.”
Even though this incident was just a toddler pretend-playing, it was really eye-opening to me because it gave me a lot of insight on how my dd’s little brain works. Somehow, she understands that certain actions have certain consequences and that putting someone in time-out doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore. Of course, we don’t rely solely on time-outs to achieve good behavior. We also have a regular routine for her in place and try to stick to it as much as possible so that she knows what’s coming next and what’s expected of her. We do a lot of talking and explaining to her of why we do certain things and why not others, etc, etc. I would say that time-outs probably comprise <20% of what we do to discipline her. To be honest, I am just glad that it is working because I wouldn’t know what to do otherwise. Taking away treats and privileges is not really an option at this point since we don’t let her watch TV anyway, she doesn’t have cookies or candy, etc.
Anyway, sorry for the long post. Just wanted to share our experience. I know that each of us on this forum would not even be here if it were not for loving our children and really wanting what’s best for them. 
Just my personal experience: My daughter is going to be 18 months in a week and a friend. About two weeks ago we started doing time outs for just one minute. My daughter definitely know what means going to time out. We just tell her twice not to do something, that second time I’ll tell her"if you do it again you are going to time-out" and she says "no and that is the end of the story. Sometimes she does it anyways and even though I wish she hadn’t so I would have to get up, I always do what I told her I was going to do. So as of now it is working and I love it does as angeles said I wouldn’t know what else to do.
I wanted to explain this statement in more detail. Many people are of the opinion that when it comes to discipline there are two options: use punishments or the child will be an undisciplined brat. I think this is because few people have actually seen the third option and how well it works. The book I mentioned Becoming the Parent You Want to Be (also discussed in more detail in the 20 alternatives to punishments thread) outlines methods that are absolutely brilliant. They emphasize allowing the child to experience natural consequences (of course taking safety into account) while the parent acts as a facilitator to help them see the situation clearly, consider other’s feelings and resolve their own problems. Their approach takes parent / child communication to a whole new level. It is based on Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication process; these are the exact same methods often used in negotiating peace treaties around the globe. I really can not say enough good things about this book.
Wenjonggal ,
I think it is really all about finding something that works for your family. I really hope you can find something that resonates with both you and your son. I also sent you a PM with some reading suggestions for you, if you haven’t received it let me know. I would really like to hear about any updates on your situation. Also, please feel free to ask questions about any specific issues you and your son are struggling with. Sometimes it takes someone far away from the situation to see things clearly.