Brilliant kids lack confidence - the perils of praise

[McDume]

Fascinating study in “New York Magazine” discussed here: http://bit.ly/dxNazj .

A study of 5th graders who are tested, then praised for either good work, or good effort. The results are amazing. Too much praise for intelligence rather than effort apparently breeds a lack of confidence in the most gifted of children.

[KL]

Yes, I can see how that problem would arise.

Thanks for that! I would recommend everyone read the article!

[KL]

Just read the original article:

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Everyone, it’s a MUST-READ. All 5 pages of it! In fact, read it again and again, which is what I’m going to try to do, as there’s a lot to digest and remember, not to mention implement.

Thanks again McDume for bringing this up!

[lara_rowe]

I read both articles, and must say that both are very much worth reading!

Thanks for the links.

[Krista_G]

I didn’t read the whole thing, but I get the point. Very good article and will help me be aware of what I am praising in my children. Thanks!

[akalori]

Wow. I’ve heard it is better to praise effort, but never read about the studies on it. Now I’m convinced that I’ve got to change the way I praise my kids. It’s a hard habit to break. Lots of food for thought.

Thanks, Lori

[hypatia]

When I landed in Australia, I was surprised to notice how often parents say ‘good girl/good boy’ to their children.
I started noticing it a lot once I became a mum and could not really find a translation in my native language.
The only praise words i can think of in French are ‘bravo’ and ‘c’est bien’ (that’s good/it’s good)
I would say I do not praise my daughter much, unless she really surprises me and my enthusiasm is obvious to her But she’s still young; this might change once she starts school for example.

[GloriaD]

Well I believe praising is important, I praise my daughther a lot. We just need to learn how to do it.
I have another article in the same line of thought I want to share with everyone.

Good Week !

Gloria

[Joha]

Gloria,

COuld you please try to upload the file again? For whatever reason I get an error. Thanks in advance!

Hope all is well with you.

[Twinergy]

Thank you for that article, it was written by journalist Po Bronson and discusses Carol Dweck’s research. Dweck’s research is also discussed in the file Gloria uploaded. I agree KL, it is a must read.

I have also been looking at Bronson’s website for his new book NurtureShock; lots of interesting articles there about groundbreaking, new research in psychology (don’t forget to scroll down there are more articles below the videos.) Is anyone else planning on reading NurtureShock? I just got on a waiting list at my library to check it out.

ETA

The comments at Bronson’s website are also worth reading. Some of his readers come to different conclusions from the studies.

[marimari]

Thanks for sharing, it´s worth to read. Now I must confess that I praise my babies but not with this proposal, the praises are in according to kindness, friendness, etc; as manner of incentivate, not as a convincent way to show her the power of all her skills. Even because she is a normal child as hundreds of them. I agree with the following from the report…

“Needleman has learned to say, “I like how you keep trying.” She tries to keep her praise specific, rather than general, so that a child knows exactly what she did to earn the praise (and thus can get more). She will occasionally tell a child, “You’re good at math,” but she’ll never tell a child he’s bad at math.”

[PY]

I just printed the article, I will read it asap. Thank you for sharing, I love reading new inputs about educating children.

[Twinergy]

Here is another article on praise by Alfie Kohn. It seems to predate Dweck’s study that Bronson discusses but does have some great input on how to acknowledge a child for being generous. It seems this is a exception to praising effort.
Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard “Good sharing!” or “I’m so proud of you for helping,” they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

---

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: “Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack.” This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing

[KL]

@GloriaD post:8

Well I believe praising is important, I praise my daughther a lot. We just need to learn how to do it.
I have another article in the same line of thought I want to share with everyone.

Good Week !

Gloria

Thanks for that, Gloria! That seems to be the original article by Caroline Dweck that was quoted in the earlier article.

@Twinergy post:13

Here is another article on praise by Alfie Kohn. It seems to predate Dweck’s study that Bronson discusses but does have some great input on how to acknowledge a child for being generous. It seems this is a exception to praising effort.
Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”

THANK YOU, Twinergy!! Folks, this is another MUST READ!!! Here it is again for emphasis!!

Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

It makes many good points, and seems to be slightly more strict than the Dweck-related articles. The danger with praise in general is that it starts to make children motivated because of the praise, and this motivation will not be long-lasting. As this article observes, it is better to just describe what happened or what you observe (like “You did it!”, or “Your generosity has made Sarah so happy!”), or ask questions (like “Didn’t that feel great?”). As opposed to remarks like, “I’m so proud of you!” - implying that your pride is only there if they perform well.

How true, how true!

So, what i get from both articles is this: It’s better not to praise than to praise (although there’s a lot of other things you can say INSTEAD of praise that may make your child feel just as good.); If you must praise, then praise effort, not intelligence or the like.

[Twinergy]

Here is another article by Joan LeFebvre that discusses how to praise, distinguishing between Evaluative Praise and Descriptive Praise.

[marimari]

It is very interesting article, because from this one I can see my reality and know how to proceed. Thanks KL.

[Twinergy]

Here is another article from Then Natural Child project that also suggests how to praise. If you like to read the whole article here it is: Praise the Poisoned Carrot. I am including an excerpt of what I think is the best part.

Focus the child on his/her own pleasure at achieving.
Instead of lavishing children with congratulations, it’s better if they focus internally on the pleasure they derive from accomplishment. Children are naturally thirsty to achieve, learn and conquer. They are born with an insatiable zest for mastery, and each new attainment fills them with delight. It is this self-enjoyment which provides the greatest fuel for perseverance and further learning. When you see your child do something new, it can be wonderfully encouraging and supportive to say: “you look like you enjoyed that!”, or: how did it feel to do that?". “I’m glad you did that, you look happy with yourself!”.
Help him/her to self-evaluate.
Whenever possible, it is a good idea to ask your child about their own self-evaluation. For instance: “how do you like your drawing?”, “are you happy with how that piece fits into the puzzle?”.
Ask them about their inner experiences.
Say, for instance, your child reads you a story he just composed. After sharing how the story made you feel, you could ask: “How do you feel about the story you wrote?”, “How did it feel to write it?”, “Did you enjoy telling it?”, “How did you come up with those ideas for your story?”. There are few things so nourishing to your child’s self-esteem, and so enriching to your relationship with him, than your interest in his inner world of feeling and imagination.
Use “I” statements, instead of labeling the child.
Your appreciation touches your child more deeply when it is expressed in terms of your feelings. For instance: “I like the colors you chose!”, or “I love how you sang that song!” - instead of: “what a good drawer you are!”, or “gee you’re a good singer”. Avoid labeling statements like: “Good boy for sharing your toys!”. Say instead: “thanks for sharing with your friend, that felt good to him - and to me”. Focus on your feelings, not on a moral or quality-oriented label. An “I” statement keeps you from holding a position of power over your child. It creates an honest and fulfilling connection between you while not interfering with their experience of themselves.
Comment on the behavior, not on the person.
Feedback and acknowledgment are definitely important. Imagine your child has just played you a new piece she has learned on the piano. Instead of saying: “What a good player you are!”, you could tell her how much you enjoyed the piece. Better still, be specific. Tell her what in particular you liked about her playing (e.g. the passion or emotion, the beautiful melody, how carefully she played, her sense of rhythm, etc.)

[Twinergy]

@KL post:14

It makes many good points, and seems to be slightly more strict than the Dweck-related articles. The danger with praise in general is that it starts to make children motivated because of the praise, and this motivation will not be long-lasting. As this article observes, it is better to just describe what happened or what you observe (like “You did it!”, or “Your generosity has made Sarah so happy!”), or ask questions (like “Didn’t that feel great?”). As opposed to remarks like, “I’m so proud of you!” - implying that your pride is only there if they perform well.

How true, how true!

So, what i get from both articles is this: It’s better not to praise than to praise (although there’s a lot of other things you can say INSTEAD of praise that may make your child feel just as good.); If you must praise, then praise effort, not intelligence or the like.

Thank you KL. Yes I agree that Kohn is less flexible than the other authors. I prefer to think I have a little more room to error than that. So if I use evaluative praise spontaneously (I’m not referring to praise as manipulation), I have many opportunities to redeem myself. What strikes me about Dweck’s studies is there was only a brief lesson about how the brain is a muscle then the kids did better. Now I presume these kids also had the “you are so smart” praise at home and school their entire lives. The idea they could be turned around so easily is very encouraging.

Another thing I would like to point out is that Kohn mentions that sometimes saying nothing sometimes a good alternative to praise. I think a good example of when this one is appropriate is when the child is concentrating on a task, drawing for example. Why do we need to interrupt to tell them they are doing great? Certainly not to reinforce what they are already doing. I think we should just let the child continue then wait until they are done to discuss their work. This helps develop a longer attention span anyway.

[L_and_J]

I must confess that while I already knew, never had the initiative poner it in practice … My mom always said, in praise rejoice the day, but praise to much, makes the child feel that they must pass to be perfect, with the first error, can come to frustration and the feeling of impotence, which ends with self confidence. I believe that is very important to praise, but it is also important to let “fall” to understand that not everything in life is perfect, mistakes are human and that mistakes are to learn to do better and better.

[L_and_J]

thanks for sharing with us, I confess that I could not read them all, but what I read was a great help and clarification