Thanks for these links - I’ve read them all and they have really made me think about my tendency to praise my 12 month DD. It is interesting that common forms of praise involve the words “good …” which clearly infers that the opposite could also be true (“bad …”) although few of us would ever say that. I’m sure kids are smart enough to figure it out for themselves, though.
I think that building a healthy self-esteem for our children involves teaching them they it’s ok to not always be perfect (“good”) and that making mistakes and learning from them, and perseverance and effort are really important qualities, so I like the idea of praising for effort, and perhaps for other problem solving behaviour (even if not successful) such as trying something different, or being creative or thinking about what the answer might be.
I think Eddison was quoted as saying “I didn’t fail, I just learned 99 ways how not to create a lightbulb” (or something along those lines!) The point being that he didn’t give up at the first setback and succeeded in the end.
But I do think it’s possible to become too extreme and I’m not comfortable with giving up praise as a form of bonding and connection / loving support. Often words are less important than the spirit in which they are offered, and also our own approach as parents to overcoming problems and not giving up etc (I expect they will learn what we do more than what we say!). For example, is it really better that I say to my dd “I feel happy when I see you clap” rather than “good clapping!”? Or should I hold it in and say nothing?! I’d find that really hard! Surely even just smiling and clapping back is a form of social praise anyway?
Hi lzp11,
I agree that it is possible to become too extreme. Parenting is a big job and we don’t need to burden ourselves with some ideal of perfection. Our children pick up on our stress and it is better to be the good enough parent who is more relaxed about mistakes than to be the perfect parent who obsess over mistakes. They look at how we handle situations for cues on how to behave so if we are trying to be perfect they will follow our example.
Listening to how our children respond to their own accomplishments is a great gauge on how our praise is affecting them. If they say something like “I did it†after a success then they are building intrinsic motivation and self esteem. If they turn to us for our encouragement and ask something like “how did I do?†then we need to start building them up more and work on leaving out our judgments.
As for praising, I think it is more about changing our language to avoid evaluating and to be more specific. For one year olds I like using a tool called Sportscasting. Think of it like a sportscaster who announces what they saw. Children pick up on our tone of voice so no evaluation (good/bad) is necessary. To emphasize I might add a feeling statement (“I feel…†or “She looks like she feels…†for the cat or another child) after Sportscasting. If you would like to learn more tools on working with children to build their intrinsic motivation I recommend the book “Becoming the Parent You Want to Be†by Davis & Keyser. It is a reference guide for the first five years so it is designed to read a chapter at a time rather than cover to cover. If your library doesn’t have it you could check and see if they can get it from an inter-library loan through WorldCat. What I like so much about this book is that it gives real life examples with sample scripts and the best tools are summarized very concisely on pp 226-239. I like to have photocopies of these pages around for others to read, and have even highlighted key points. Chapters 10-13, 18-21, 23, and 24 are also worth reading if you have the time (the numbered lists of strategies are especially worth reading.)
In the case of clapping, this is what I think of as a more social activity. We typically clap to celebrate. I like to join in the fun, sing a song about clapping and make eye contact. Maybe even play a clapping game (High Five, Miss Mary Mack, Pat-a-Cake.) And yes mimicry is flattery, so they get the idea that you approve if you clap along. Saying nothing is a good tool to use when you want to encourage continued concentration, like drawing or stacking blocks.
ETA
I almost forgot, When I feel lke I need to say something but am not feeling especially creative I will say “you did it!” then follow up with a sportscasting comment. E.g. “you did it, you put your shoes on.”
Just to give an example of how these articles have affected my behavior.
The other day we were at an amusement park and we won a few prizes (soft toys). I knew that she wasn’t particularly keen on one of the toys (we picked it cos we had to pick one), and I could foresee it would just be put to a corner and just collect dust when we get home.
So I encouraged her to give it away to another kid, and she did.
Before I would have said, “Well done, Felicity! I’m so proud of you!!”
This time, I said (with a big beaming smile on my face), “Did you see how happy that boy was?! Doesn’t it feel great to be giving?”
OK, I don’t think it’s a big ‘sin’ if I had said “I’m so proud of you”, but I want her to do these things because she wants to for herself, rather than to make me proud of her. To me it’s a very big difference. I think it’s a liability to be motivated to do things primarily because of what others think, as her happiness would then be dependent on others.
I am reading right now Nurtureshock by Po Bronson , and it is wonderful book cannot put it down , highly recommend it .it has a whole chapter about praise .
love
viv
I am little bit confused about praising kids and positive affirmations. Will there be any negative impact on kids when positive affirmation like you are smart, you are healthy and strong, etc have been told when they are in sleepy mood as praising kids like good job, good girl is not advisable? Please clarify. Thanks in advance.
Praise is usually when she does something (or something has happened) and you praise her for doing that something. Positive affirmations are said regardless of what she has done.
btw, you could also get your child to say the affirmations herself. For example, sometimes Felicity would say she can’t do something, and I would tell her she could, and guide her a little (just enough to help her do it herself), and then I would say, “see, what did i tell you? You can do it!”, then I would ask her to say herself, “I can do anything!”.
The articles and discussions here are really very
interesting though I read 2-3 only.
Will come back here again.
The example given by KL is so relevant. I used to praise my daughters for doing something
new like Good Girl, Wah wa ! but never made it cleared why I praised the.
I have just read the link in the original post to the nymag article. I have to say it really resonated with me. I was one of those children with a very high IQ who was always told I was smart, attended special classes for the highly intelligent children in the district and was expected to do very well academically. Since everything came so easily to me if I couldn’t learn something immediately I floundered and refused to try because the idea of trying and failing terrified me. That would mean I’m not smart, hey. For me I was ok not trying and failing because I somehow thought I could save face by pretending I didn’t care to learn that particular thing.
Fortunately there were very few things I didn’t grasp fairly quickly. Unfortunately one of those was geometry and I failed maths in Year 12 which is something I had been very, very good at and won awards in competitions for. Now I know that spatial maths is not something that comes easily to me but I have no problems with calculus and other more abstract concepts. Now I am going through a maths programme to complete it because even 15 years later it bothers me that I failed at something. The difference now is I know that I need to put in the effort to learn which is something I never did before.
The similar is experience with myself. In my school days I was a very bright student and it was almost 1-man-show
and not having competition for me. My teachers/relatives always used to praise me. I lost patience in me
and started doing things which are easy and I am capable of doing. It took me many years (till my masters) to get my confidence back. Thanks to my parents who helped me in this. I got 1st rank in the class.
bella, Can you comment your impressions on Nurtureshock. I am insteres in getting this type of book and would appreciate your opinion on that and other chapters you like the most.
Thanks.
Great post, thanks for sharing. I never knew praising would have a negative affect until now. I’ll have to start and remember to learn praise his efforts more.
Totally agree with TmS. I think it applies to everything in life. If we start thinking we know everything, we’ll never learn anything new. I get really annoyed when I get criticised for reading too much when I should be following my parenting instincts…
I think it’s really brave of you ShenLi (and all of us) to admit that we can learn from others. It’s one of the things I love about the community on this site - it’s full of parents who want to do a good job and want to learn how to do it.
I was mocked for doing parenting courses - there’s a big stigma attached. But these courses were written by child psychologists, who am I to think i know more than they do? The courses were lovely, a lot of the stuff we were already doing some of it we’ll keep in mind for the future and some of it needs to be adjusted to suit our personal environment and lifestyle.
One course was called “You make the difference” and the other (which I’m still doing) is called “Raising Secure Children”. The titles grabbed me and the content is wonderful - not to mention it’s lovely seeing a child psychologist each week to discuss things with
Great post, TmS… I also adhere to a ‘parenting teacher’ 's advice and philosophy (with some editing), and share it here often. I love this particular board because the parents are so open, thoughtful and investigative. Anything goes. I have learned so much and always found the dialogue civil, thoughtful and helpful.
