When I was a kid, I had to write lots of sentences for my poor attitude. They were always very negative sentences like, “My attitude stinks.” My step daughter is 8 years old, and she often has a very poor attitude in the afternoon times. She even begins to walk around the house as if she is being tortured for being here. Really, she is like any normal child. She would rather have her mother 24/7. Its not that she doesn’t like me. She knows that she gets to do fun stuff like go to the zoo, the playground, the museums, the botantical gardens, and fun crafts. She just rather it be with her mother. I don’t begrudge her for her feelings. Its when she starts throwing a tantrum (which my 2 and 3 year old don’t even do), and starts slamming things about, that I am forced to find some discipline for her.
I would rather her discipline be a more constructive time, and I just wanted to bounce off my idea towards other loving and gentle parents to see if it is a good idea. My idea is writing a page of positive affirmations and then having her copy it. I was thinking of something like this:
“I am a loving person. I feel good when I am kind to others. I feel good when I speak kindly to others. It makes me smile when I others like when I am kind to them. I enjoy making others smile…”
What we did was purchase Anne Infante’s Positive Affirmation Songs for Children CDs. We played them in the house and car when driving our children around. We all ended up singing alone and feeling more uplifted and happy during the day. Those songs really stick in your mind. Our children love them. Here’s a link to the only web site/page where you can buy them:
Yep I grew up wih this CD too. It’s great, definitely get it. Play it on the way home from school.
A couple more tips maybe…
Remember to give her a hug and say something nice every time you pick her up from mums/school.
I wouldn’t have her write the affirmations unless she was quite willing, affirmations written whilst pissed at the world really won’t help much. It still lines even if it’s positive, if she hates it she will resent you. Try having her say one or two a day with you ( and your kids too) low pressure.
Encourage her to have a cool drink, and a little chill out, thirsty and tired kids are cranky kids.
At 8 you can talk to her about it. Let her know you understand that she wants her mum more and that is OK. But also let her know it is unacceptable to behave in that way. Decide on a suitable course of action together while she is calm. Good luck hardest job in the world, the step mum!
I do agree with Manda about this - I have read some research that writing affirmations that don’t have a personal meaning can be quite detrimental as people just feel it is untrue and can actually reinforce the negative thoughts.
You might try to generate some personalised positive statements / affirmations together during the time that things are going well. It is particularly helpful if they includue specific examples from real life
e.g. It feels good when I am kind to others - and then under this write a list of times that she was kind to someone and felt good - keeping this type of positive diary over time can build self esteem and remind both of you of the good times! Then maybe ask her to read it when things are not going so well. You could help point out examples and qualities that you value in her. Taking time to do this together can be very powerful.
In terms of discipline, have you considered time out? I thought 123 magic was great (I bought their DVD which was really good) but also combined with lots of positive reinforcement and praise for when things are going well. This could include reward charts for positive behaviour. With my highly emotional daughter I find that the more badly behaved she is being the more important it is for me to find something to praise in her behaviour (it sometimes feels impossible!) but this helps to break a negative cycle. But the time out is really great when emotions are running high (for both of us) to allow a time to cool down.
Also, do remember to acknowledge the emotions that are underlying her behaviour. My DD is going through a habit of saying “shut up” (big SIGH!!) It really infuriates me and I tried everything to stop her from time out to explaining why she shouldn’t say it etc. What worked best is to ask “Are you feeling upset about something?” and discuss her emotions. Really, it has become a way for her to express her anger / frustration etc and understanding this helps me feel less annoyed with her. I can empathize with how she feels bad, even if I don’t approve of her behaviour or the way she expresses her emotions. I find that any discipline is better done after this (because sometimes she’s just being plain naughty when she says it!) because she feels more listened to and understood.
Good luck!