Would you feel offended?

The Little Lounge Coffee Corner - General Chat
1

I found out from my daughters play mates that their father doesn’t like them (6 & 8 years) playing with my 3 (soon) year old because he doesn’t like the way I look. I noticed he calls the girls inside once he realizes it’s me supervising them but if it is my husband, no problems. My husband isn’t around often to be the one to supervise.

He must have the impression that I must be into drugs and live a “party” lifestyle because I have a huge tattoo on my back, nothing offensive, I like heavy metal, hardstyle & rock music as well as being quite skinny (he’s assuming I’m skinny from taking drugs rather than genetics). I’m anti-drugs, sure I love my red label but that’s like once a year I drink.

My daughter cries when the father gives some lame excuses for the girls to come inside and he is quite rude about it. He is my neigbour. What is it with people and tattooes = bad people?

2

So sorry about your neighbor. I think anyone would be offended. Where I live tattoos are very common and people don’t think twice about them. Do you plan to talk to him or have your husband talk to him? Maybe even just chatting so he can see you are a “normal” person. Or is he just too rude? I am so sorry that you have to live next to him!

3

I probably would be offended but in saying that I have to say I am soooo fussy about who my kids spend time with I may make the same mistake myself. I have very strong parenting opinions and have in the past done things that other parents didn’t approve of to the point that they don’t ask me to care for their kids anymore. Now its nothing drastic but I will follow through on a disciplinary action ( if I say you will get time out for hitting your friends, you WILL get time out for hitting, even if I have to carry you there) and I will ensure children behave nicely and be cooperative and fair. These parents are the ones who will let a nasty action slide to keep the piece…I won’t, even if it’s their kid. sometimes they can’t handle that…mostly I think because it makes them look like bad parents when I pull up their kids because they are too lazy to do something about it.
Anyway, I think it’s probable your neighbour has the wrong opinion of you and you really need to sort it out if you value the kids time together. I would suggest starting a few conversations about how you parent, what you believe is important in raising kids and discuss how often your views don’t match your look!. It could open the door or his mind may be too small to change. Good luck.

4

I also have a thought that maybe he is a bit racist but not too sure on that. To describe him bluntly, he is a complete pr*ck, absolutely rude. I don’t think people should judge others just on their appearance. My tattoo means a lot too me and I am proud to have had it done. I love my body but it’s not from taking speed or having a crazy lifestyle nor am I anorexic, my family are like twigs, I just happen to look more like a broom. I’m not THAT skinny. My dad is covered in tattooes but absolutely regrets every single one of them and really hates tattooes and he had them done 40+ years ago. They are there for life. I am guilty of judging too quick but that is based on their character, not their appearance. I’ve had the same problem when having to deal with other people’s kids for them, that drives me nuts. One thing is for certain, we have very different parenting beliefs and I certainly don’t agree with the way most French people raise their kids in France, so prefer to not talk about this topic with him. My daughter is always very well behaved so I know it’s not her. My husband says because of their age, it’s no great loss that they can’t be friends but I’m worried about when she starts school this year. People are way too conservative where I am. I don’t want my daughter to be ashamed of me either.

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I also think due the age difference it is no huge loss, the advantage in the friendship is to your daughter though not their children, perhaps the father just doesn’t want his kids playing with a baby. Ip doubt that is it though. Had you said you were in France to begin with, I would have jumped to many more cultural conclusions lol Yep you are going to have this problem many times over the years. In school you will be discriminated against, but you will also find lovely parents in the same boat as you if you look hard. Really you only need to make an effort with the ones you want your child to spend time with, and the 2 kids she decides to befriend that you don’t really care for much lol Decide before the first day how you want to project yourself to the school. I am more conservative at school than in real life, but I still hold my ground and the school know it. They appreciate the effort I put in to reflect their values while on campus, and still respect the fact that if I don’t like something I will speak up. It has rocked the boat on many occasions but I feel now after 3 years we have a working relationship :biggrin: you may decide to cover your tattoo for school, you may decide to show it gradually over time once they know you as a person. You may be able to find a school that reflects your values more. I would definately look for one that isn’t racist for a start! Your daughter will never be ashamed of you if you teach her to be proud of who she is and that you are proud to be who you are.

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Sorry that this is happening to you. I don’t know what to say or how to interpret this as you are in France…

I will say that if it were my kids and I looked out and saw someone who “looks shady” I would NOT want my kids supervised by them.

I’m sorry, but certain hair cuts and almost all tattoos make me think twice about people. As humans we do in fact make initial judgement about pretty much everything by appearance.

I know I do. When I’m lost about, I don’t ask just anybody for directions. I look for maternal, older women or people who strike me as parents. In some circumstances I prefer to ask women for help than men because I worry that a man may see me as prey for a crime. I tend to be hesitant and unsure around people with dirty, unkempt hair, or large, garish tattoos displayed on their limbs or neck. I don’t know if its all the media indoctrination or what, but I do.

If I have the opportunity I do get to know them better over a period of time, but I don’t trust people with a “shady look” right off the bat and I’m more hesitant and conservative around them. I also remind myself regularly that serial killers/rapists/muggers/theives and crooks can also be clean shaven, soft spoken and very mannered and I know my fair share of “normal looking” no-goods.

I have to say that if I perceived a person as shady, there is no way between heaven and hell that I’d let my kids be supervised by them in my absence. Now, since your a woman and a mom and my neighbor, I MIGHT try and get to know you, while still keeping my kids away/sheltered from you just to see if your any good or if I sense you to be a potential threat. If you were a man and a dad, I probably wouldn’t invest anytime in striking up a relationship with you, but since your a woman and a mom I would. Maybe I’m sexist, maybe thats wrong, but I have strong feeling that it is what I would do.

I’m so sorry that this is hurting you and your daughter but I do sympathize with the father if you have a “shady look” or a look that is easily interpreted as shady. I can’t imagine any parent in their right mind being sorry for trying to protect their own children.

You should probably reach out to your neighbors and try to make yourself known as a person and help the neighbors see you as a person and not as a projected stereotype. I don’t know what its like in France, but I know in my US city there are many youth between 13 and 33 so we have a higher ratio of “fad fashions” and that type stuff and I’m 22 myself so I’m a little more open minded to it all but I make no apologies where my kids siblings are concerned. I don’t think twice about being defensive toward a strange adult* trying to speak with or be friendly toward my young siblings ages 4-10. Best of luck and I hope that youre able to make a delicious glass of lemonade out of these very sour lemons you have right now.

(*especially someone who is a parent that I perceive as irresponsible/ or having a moral code that I don’t agree with.)

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I don’t see how having tattoos makes someone irresponsible and/or bad. My tattoo is very easy to hide, especially if I have my hair down. I dress appropriately but trendy as I do take pride in my appearance. It’s mostly skinny = taking drugs or must have an eating disorder that really bothers me the most.

9/10 I take it as a compliment when people talk about my body because I am a healthy skinny, slim is better to put it. Most people it’s envy whilst some it’s harsh. Some people walk up to me and ask me if I actually eat…and ask If I am anorexic. My other neighbour is a real anorexic. Horrible to look at and It does hurt when people say I look like that. I look nowhere near as bad as an anorexic.

There is not one single bone on my body that is visible. If I was anorexic I wouldn’t be able to menstruate and have a child. That I find offensive and rude. My daughter is very short and skinny, not too bad but skinny compared to most girls her age I know - genetics. People assume I don’t feed her.

I admit, this guy ONCE let his kids hang around long enough (half hour) for my child to play with them and he did let them come over a few times and he knew I had a tattoo then so I don’t understand somethings about him. Also, where I live, Arabs have a very bad rep and I just so happen to have Lebanese heritage and I do stand out with my dark features but I do not look Arab. Being Arab is othing to be ashamed of either.

And I don’t understand why he feels more comfortable having my husband around them (out of his view) instead of me when my husband could be a pedophile! (he isn’t, just a point I’m trying to make as to why I also feel offended) It just shows me that he has a very mixed up head. It could be as I live in a conservative town who is not used to foreigners as well, many people comment on

So then a parent with the perfect ‘image’ shouldn’t let their child hang around a child who has an overweight parent (with a tattoo) as that might be a bad role model even if that parent is overweight from genetics or who has a parent that is gay or is black or deaf or speaks a foreign language. Look at Angelina Jolie and David Beckham, I would let my child hang around their kids.

Isn’t this “over protectiveness” a little dangerous for the mind as well as hypocritical? What is his harsh judgements teaching his children? All skinny people must be on drugs and skinny people are bad people. People who listen to rap must be in a gang, they are bad people. Heavy metal lovers must be axe murders, they must all be bad people.

We all have faults with our natural appearance and we have a right to be who we want to be. All he has said to me was bonjour and that means he knows my character as a person and as a parent? A lot of people don’t accept the fact that not everyone is the same and thinks the same. Shouldn’t parents be more concerned about protecting their children from ‘real’ danger? Most ‘bad’ people look normal. He sees how I am with his children and my own - we live next door.