My eldest child has always been a strong-willed child and at times her attitude has gotten in the way of her learning. Now she is absolutely on all levels not even willing to try anything at all especially if she thinks it will be too hard and even more unwilling to instruction to help her.
I have seen this start to deteriorate in the final term at school and her school report even states that she is unwilling to complete work.(Montessori school and I will be taking this up with them when school returns in the new year) So as you can imagine I am starting to get very worried about this absolute stubbornness to not persist at anything and chucks it all in and has an almighty temper tantrum to go along with it.
Miss S is driving me crazy because I am really worried that this attitude will be the only thing that continues to persist in her life and I need ideas to combat this attitude of" I must get it straight away or its not worth doing" in case it really turns into something she will continue to do for the rest of her life.
Any ideas on how to teach PERSISTENCE will be my appreciated.
There are many other books if you search amazon for keywords “underachievement child”.
I was surprised to browse following book tittles
What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids
The Gifted Kids’ Survival Guide: For Ages 10 & Under
Bright Minds, Poor Grades: Understanding and Motivating your Underachieving Child
Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades and What You Can Do about It: A Six-Step Program for Parents and Teachers, 3rd Edition
(this is what I read few years ago; it is about various aspects, mainly in family, that can cause underachievement.)
Social/Emotional Issues, Underachievement, and Counseling of Gifted and Talented Students (Essential Readings in Gifted Education Series)
When Gifted Kids Don’t Have All the Answers: How to Meet Their Social and Emotional Needs
How old is she?
She has a. Fear of failure. She is unable to try because there is too much pressure on her to perform and succeed. Perhaps there isn’t right now but there was at some point and she has shut down her love of exploring learning. You need to get it back STAT! lol
Some ideas. Try to make failing fun. Make wrong answers right for a while. Play games where it is perfectly OK and in fact encouraged to be completely wrong. This will reduce the pressure and make her laugh again.
Then assess how you and all those at school use praise. Are they praising for effort or just results. It is very difficult as a Teacher to praise for effort when you have a kid producing work at a standard far above their peers, ensure her teacher only praise for effort NOT results. This alone will make a long term difference to her attitude.
Once you have begun praising for effort have a chat about how it’s OK to make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn. Be sure she knows that. Then don’t accept any work from her that is sub standard. Most kids are smart enough to try you. They will at some point hand you a scribble and say " this is for you" if it is crap don’t accept it. Say " I would love to receive a picture from you that you put full effort into. One you tried really hard on. This is not that picture is it? Would you like to try again? Then hand it back. That sends a firm message that it is the effort you want most not the results.
Most kids will go through this phase at some point. How long it lasts depends on how well you get the message through that " you are loved, mistakes are OK, you will be loved even when you fail and effort is more important than results" good luck,
Play the “Sillies GAME” – That’s when you can give wrong answers but you know they ar wrong.
Ask questions that are “not very academic” What’s the wether like. What’s your cat’s name, etc. They should be
Silly questions.
Praise her for “Effort”
Note when she finishes something.
Did she get dressed? Finish her ice cream? Whatever she finishes, praise her for that.
Have her do simple things like empty a wastebasket.
Make an “EFFORT CHART” She gets a sticker, not for being right or wrong but for effort.
If she is at least 4 or5, you can find a piano or violin teacher who will accept students that age. I have taught piano and violin for over 40 years, and there is nothing like music lessons to learn the value of continuing. It’s also valuable in learning to do something such as learning a song, practicing it for a few minutes,
leaving it till the next day, and pick up learning it again. She needs to learn that you can come back to some things and work on them again.
Also you can do silly things yourself, such as offering her uncooked pasta. Make a list of the steps you need to do to cook it. Point out to her how important it is to complete those steps.
Read all the books that were suggested above – they sound excellent.
All the best – Granny Skippy
Wow I have had a similar issue with my advanced head strong daughter. My daughter can be very persistent if she is learning independently. However she is difficult when I try to teach her anything, and anxious about being perfect at school. On the other hand, my son with learning challenges puts in a herculean effort all of the time and is okay with making mistakes. Consequently he is finally catching up and surpassing his peers in some areas. As others have mentioned I praise efforts, not outcomes. Yet she is still an anxious perfectionist. I think this dynamic is common with gifted kids. I think she will sort it out eventually and feel more comfortable with her gifts. In the meanwhile, I try to be patient during meltdowns. I try to find private learning opportunities for her on the iPad where she is in control of the learning without competition or supervision. She learns happily when left alone. She gets some advanced work at school but it is still too easy. Most of the time she is stuck with the regular curriculum. However, I don’t have the answers because as I type she is dramatically crying over easy addition homework. She can multiply and is learning how to divide, so this single digit addition homework should not cause drama. She kept erasing because her numbers weren’t perfect and was pretending to be unsure of the answers. So now I am sitting in a separate room so as to avoid reacting to the drama.
Update: My daughter finished her homework so I left the computer to check it and wipe away her tears. Then she happily told me that she was commended by the teacher today for helping a struggling student, and also got a reward ticket for winning at a Spanish vocabulary game. Sometimes I wonder if there would be less drama if she was more challenged at school. I don’t have the answer. I have been trying my best to share any mistakes I make in order to role model that mistake are just a normal part of life.
In terms of learning, my daughter also likes to read so I pick out lots of books by myself while they are at school. This way I can ensure the quality and variety of the reading material. I leave the books in the living room so they are under foot and very accessible. I also read them myself so my daughter wants to beat me in reading because she likes to finish first. We also just play a lot of games such as Clue and Scrabble. I think it helps when we are bonding over non academic activities.
Anyway I hope it helps to know that you aren’t alone in experiencing this problem. You have done an amazing job with Miss S and she is very advanced so despite the drama she is till excelling. Maybe with age, both of our kids will outgrow the drama. Good Luck, Lori
