I’ve read a couple of books and watched DVD’s and took Love and Logic class but, nothing is working. I understand that I may be the one at fault with not enacting the behavior steps correctly or strictly or …so I am asking for advice.
My 4yr daughter is whining over everything. When the focus is taking off her because God forbid her little two yr. old brother needs something she starts the whining and doesn’t stop. I’ve tried speaking to her logically, reasoning, giving in, sending to room but it has not stopped.
How much whining can a mom take in one day? :wacko:
Have you try ignoring her behavior? when she whins, try just not to pay attention to her,(of course you are …but not let her know, not say anything to her).
this works for me, after 2 minutes they are back on fun!!
try it…if it doesn’t work let me know …will try something else.
To me it sounds like your daughter needs a job. When the brother needs attention, is there something she can do to help - so you can then praise her and give her good attention? It may not even relate to her brother. Maybe she can get you a cup of water or help with meal prep. Something that seems a little grown up. Perhaps you can make it sound like it would be a disaster if you didn’t have her help. I find asking the child to do a different activity works better than telling them to stop what they are doing.
And, as you already know, never never never never give in. If she gets what she wants by whining long enough, she will just whine longer the next time. And if she gets what she wants by whining one out of 4 or even 10 times, it is worth her time and energy to give whining a try. (It’s like a slot machine.)
If you ask her for help, and she chooses to whine instead, I guess you have a good reason to leave her to whine to herself while you get the other job done. And, I think it was Love and Logic that said, after she is done whining, and is wanting attention, you can always say, “I’m sorry honey, but listening to you whine made me so tired, I don’t think I can _______. Maybe next time.” They hopefully get the idea that whining robs them of your attention and thier having fun.
But whenever I can, I like to have them do something positive. Washing dishes was always a favorite for my kids. Yes, it made a mess, but they thought they were being helpful and got to give them big smiles and hugs for trying to help.
Thank you for all the advise.
I’ve tried the giving her a job like: “can you get me your brother’s bottle while I change his diaper or his pants” etc… her response most of the time No mommy it’s to heavy or I am busy. You can imagine the look on my face.
What should I do when that happens?
I praise her all the time both my kids for that matter all the time; when they are playing great together or helping, listening etc…
And sad to say she is beginning to teach her brother the whine habit.
I do use the I don’t understand you when you are whinning and after a while she musters :unsure: up the ability to talk .
I don’t know may I’m really not consistent, I thought I was. I will pay closer attention to how I administer the tactics.
Ana, you’ve answered your own question, you have to be consistenet
I have a question for you? I’m reading Love and Logic and I don’t like the idea of locking up my kid in his bedroom, everything else sounds great.
Did they say in class that this step can be skipped or is it essential for this method to work?
Hi Ana3, as for your child complaining about the work being too difficult … now I have all boys, at our house it would go more like this, “What? It’s too heavy? Oh, we need to build up those muscles. Let’s see, if you bring me the bottle the next 10 times I need it, I’m sure you’ll get stronger.” (Does your daughter listen to you at other times when you ask her to do things? If she is in the habit of helping, it helps. ) If you are looking to change behavior, making their negative behavior always have negative results helps. Like Joanna07 said, consistancy is the key. It is sooo hard at times, but it gets eaiser with practice. By the way, it will take a while for the whining to go away. Even if you are consistant from now on. Your daughter is smart, and she will probably keep trying the whining thing since it worked in the past. The more consistant you are, the less time it will take. You may also want to come up with a good negative consequence for whining. When she is calm, explain that whining is not acceptable, and that the consequences for whining will always be __________. Then, follow up on it every time. Hopefully, your smart son will watch and learn, too.
As for Joanna07’s questions about Love and Logic, I’ve only read the books, too, and have friends that have gone through the course, but I thought the room time was thinking time. Not just sitting (I don’t like that either, the kids usually sit and complain or think other evil thoughts or play with their toys). From what I remember, you can ask them questions like, “What do you think an apropriate consequence would be?” and leave them to think it through, then returning to hear what they’d figured out. I’d like to hear what you remember, too Ana3.
I don’t have many suggestions. But I like all the ideas in this thread. I have a 4yo girl with a penchant for whining, and a 15mo old. When I say “I can’t hear girls who whine,” sometimes it causes her to whine more.
One thing you could try, is modeling back to her what whining is- sometimes I think that my daughter whines so much, she thinks it is normal conversation : ) But model to her what whining sounds like- she may think it is funny to hear you do it. Then say, big girls talk like this… and have practice conversations.
Giving jobs… first try giving jobs that they are interested in. My daughter loves washing dishes (large pans, tupperwear, etc.), feeding the dog, folding socks(matching skills!). Give lots of praise! Love and logic likes you to progress to giving chores that they aren’t interested in.
We are reading the L& L books too- just went to a conference last week. It is hard to be consistent. You may not see results right away, I hear. But it does help independent reasoning. Keep trying energy drain. All this whining makes me tired, how are you going to replace my energy?
THen I can picture using this method with older kids but not with youngsters. The book says to leave the kid in the room crying, even for one hour if that’s how long it takes for him to calm down. Well, my son is 18 month old and I know that he would feel scared and abandoned, he would not understand what I’m trying to do, he’s to young in my opinion. It’s too cruel with young children and I’m gonna try this method but I will definitely skip this step.
I have read and believe that our kids behave the way we have trained them to behave, whether we planned it directly or indirectly. Your daughter whines because you have trained her that this is how she gets what she wants. If you want to read a short book that will show you how to squash this behavior immediately, read “To Train Up A Child”. This book changed my life, empowered me to be in control and know how to influence my children’s behavior and allowed me to have 5 more children. I would never have wanted a large family if I didn’t read this book. The authors have successfully raised 5 home schooled children, so we know their methods work. This book is life changing! Here is a link.
To THen: thank you for telling me that the whining will take a little time for it to cease.
To Joannao7: they did not really say to skip this step. They did say just keep checking on them if you feel they may be scared but chance are they are just upset. Also they mentioned maybe using a timer if you think it might help the child as far as anxiety.
I have had friends that have left their children to cry for “long” periods of time.
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