How do I help LO deal with her separation anxiety? LO is 10 months old and has become very clingy of late. I have tended towards an attachment parenting type style, after having read Gerhardt’s “Why Love Matters (How Love Affects the Brain)”, and Sunderland’s “What Every Parent Should Know”- both books which draw upon a huge body of research on the benefits of being a responsive parent, nurturing close bonds with your children and the negative effects of cortisol on brain development from crying-it-out methods. Have also read on this forum about how love opens up right brain learning.
I can’t help but feel though that this style has led her to become more clingy, as she has never been without me and I never leave her alone so she does not know anything else.U I play lots of peekaboo games with her to try and teach her that I will return if I am out of sight, and have started leaving her with my mother-in-law for progressively longer bouts of time (I’m talking 20 mins to 40 mins!) Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help her through this stage? I do not want to resort to extreme tactics and break the trust and attachment that we have worked so hard to establish. But I do understand that she needs to learn that she is safe when I am not around.
Have you read “The No Cry Separation Anxiety Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley? I used her No Cry Sleep Solution book for toddlers and it actually worked to get my son to sleep through the night. So I am a big fan of hers. I recently checked out the Separation Anxiety book from the library but I haven’t read the whole thing yet so I can’t comment really if it works. She does say that separation anxiety is completely normal and evidence of the strong bond your baby has with you.
One thing that stood out for me was her recommendation not to hold the baby in your arms and pass him to whoever you are having watching him as this frames that person to your baby as the person who is taking him (her?) away from mommy. Rather, have him play on the floor and when you leave say goodbye to him. If the baby gets upset that person can pick him up and be the rescuer.
What you are doing, the small periods of time without you are good practice I think. For me, even just letting my son play independently was something I needed to start doing. I always want to be talking to him and explaining the world to him. 
And when there are visitors I try to let them play with him without me. I started going up stairs more frequently to get things without him and tell him, " Mommy will be right back!"
I really think it is more of a developmental thing than anything I have done, BUT suddenly my son says “Hi!” to everyone and even plays peek-a-boo with random people like the lady at the bank without solicitation. I thought he was shy. lol
I think it just boils down to practicing separation in manageable chunks for your little one. Then staying calm yourself and not making a big deal about the separation. Babies pick up on your feelings.
Thanks Ian’s Mummy! Yes I’ve read Pantley’s sleep book and liked her gentle approach, so will definitely check out her separation anxiety book. The none in-arms transfer makes a lot of sense. I am going to try that next time at my in-laws. I think it’ll also be a case of her just getting used to being in thier company alone. She’s happy enough playing by herself at home, it’s just when we’re out and about and there’s other people around that she tends to get clingy.
How old was he when this happened?
Hi Tombliboo,
Just wanted to reassure you as another parent who enjoys a full Sears approach to attachment parenting (co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing, he’s never been in childcare - exclusively looked after by dad and myself etc.) that, as a few have already mentioned, this is most likely developmental rather than a negative effect from attachment parenting. My son is 18months and I could never get him to sit in one place, he goes out to make friends! He approaches strangers anywhere with a winning smile, flirts with pretty women, loves kids and has always been this way. But he is just happier and more relaxed when his dad and I are there with him (he likes to check in with everyone at regular intervals). It was only one or two months ago that he would happily stay with his grandma without us for several hours. Around the same time he seemed to get used to me going to work and would actually hug me goodbye! (His dad works from home).
That your daughter’s preference is to be with her most beloved grown up, does not mean she won’t seek and enjoy the difference of the company of others in her own time. I would suggest that unless you have a pressing reason to be worried about this - needing to return to work or needing regular non-baby time - do not worry yourself. Let her cry with grandma for a day if that’s all you need. If you need to leave her with a care giver for regular periods, I would suggest you all spending a lot of time together first (we were staying over at grandma’s for a few weeks during which they were regularly left to each other).
Good luck and enjoy the flexibility and positive full immersion of attachment parenting! :yes:
Thanks just wanted to add I am in no way regretful about parenting this way - I can’t really imagine doing it any other way - we love the closeness brought by baby-wearing, breast feeding and co-sleeping, and that our baby knows that we will always respond sensitively to her. I guess this is the ground work you put in to make secure, self-assured and confident independent beings, which is exactly what your little boy sounds like he has become.
Hi Tombliboo, He is 18 months and he just started doing this maybe a couple of weeks ago.