What is the ideal relationship between parents and children? This relationship should be more severe, parents imposing their terms automatically, or should it be a friendship? In the latter case, if the child benefit from parents’ indulgence and do something stupid? I know that the situation varies from case to case, but I speak in general. My husband and I get ready to be parents again, we want to adopt for the first time, and therefore we want more opinions. So, what do you think?
It needs to be a balance of both. You must set rules and be able to put your foot down, but you also want to be someone that your children know they can go to with problems and questions. Love your children with everything in you. Show them how much you love them, but don’t let them walk all over you.
I think it all depends on how much time you can spend with your “baby”. Because this way you build a trustfull relationship and consequently respectable. So, for sure you and the baby will be good. Time to dedicate is the secret in my opinion.
Enjoy it and Good luck!!!
Great question! I would say neither a friend, nor a dictator. I guess parenting is a category all it’s own!
I guess i’m thinking about a great book that I read recently by Barbara Coloroso – it’s called Kids are Worth It. It talks about brickwall parents (authoritarian “you will listen to what I say or else!” “I said NO and I don’t want to even hear what you have to say or you’ll be grounded for a month for talking back!” kind of parenting), jellyfish parents (parents who a)often had brickwall parents and don’t want their kids to suffer the same way that they did, but end up having no structure or rules and the kids often suffer as a result, or b) are simply too self absorbed to notice what’s happening in their kids lives. These parents are inconsistent and it’s confusing for kids because one minute their friends, but then more often than not, the next day, the same situation and the parent will snap!) and finally she talks about backbone parents (consistent parents who model appropriate behavior to their kids, teach kids the natural consequences of their actions and foster, in their kids compassion and empathy, a sense of real appropriate power in their own lives and confidence in their abilities to make good decisions.
So I guess I would say neither of your options, but something in between where the child knows that there are boundaries, rules, consequences to their actions, but also knows that you’re there to help them resolve issues or problems that come up in their lives, and that you love them through problems and strife.
my opinion!
Interesting question…
Nikki probably encapsulated our approach. I’ll just mention/elaborate on a few more points:
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Showing love is extremely important, physically and verbally and emotionally. Particularly in emphasizing unconditional love - we will love her no matter what, eg., even when she’s naughty.
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I believe in the importance of helping the child help herself, ie., not spoiling her. Loving your child doesn’t mean doing everything for her - on the contrary.
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Disciplining - I believe in setting ground rules and being strict, and I may even consider myself a disciplinarian. However, I do not believe it is EVER necessary to hit or spank. I also do not believe it is even necessary to scream and yell, or to even lose one’s temper (though I know it can be very hard some times).
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Communication is key. I would always explain to Felicity why she’s not allowed to do this and that, why things have to be a certain way. Where possible, I would even let her make decisions for herself. After explaining choices and consequences to her, she would typically make the ‘right’ decision anyway.
To tie all the above together, even when disciplining and being strict, it can be done in a very loving way. Like I said, no screaming/yelling/beating is necessary. You just have to lay down the punishment or whatever, and explain why it is happening, that we love her, etc.
Oh, I agree with you, KL, and just wanted to say that Felicity is a very lovely name! 