My 2 year old is acting strange around grandma

Parenting and Education (Other) General Parenting
1

I hope this doesn’t seem so burdensome to read but I need someone’s advice/opinion on a sensitive subject so I have to explain in complete detail.

Since my daughter was born, she has always known me as mummy, her French speaking father has always been daddy, not papa - she chose daddy and he accepts that. She has been calling me mummy or mama (not often) since she was like 8-9 months old. She is raised in a multilingual environment so she knows there is more than one way to refer to me as mummy or mum but specifically has chosen to call me mummy. Her French speaking daycare always refers to me as mummy as she doesn’t respond to maman unless you point at me and say it. My partners family has always referred to me as maman, they too have to point at me when saying it.

My daughter has only physically met my side of the family once and spent 5 consecutive weeks with them when she was 17 months old. The first person she learnt by name was my sister, who she quickly developed a close relationship at 17 months old with - and still knows her by name, face etc. Then not long after it was my mother (she always refers to her as yiayia) then my nieces & finally my other sister & her husband, she doesn’t know my father & has since forgotten her nieces but recognizes my sister by voice. My daughter has a very good relationship with my mother and always asks to see yayia on skype or to call her on the phone, same for my sister but nothing compared to wanting my mother. Even though my family are far, she is more open and comfortable with them than her paternal side of the family.

My daughter is nearly 2.5 and has always seen her paternal side of the family quite frequently as they live local, we lived with them for 2 months after the birth, while my family live in another Country. She has only started in the last month or so, referring to the paternal side by their names, she calls her grandfather the nickname, pronounced puppy but don’t know the spelling in French. Everyone on the paternal side of the family refer to her paternal grandmother as mamie (pronounced like mummy), my daughter doesn’t call one of her paternal aunts by name, doesn’t seem interested in her but certainly knows her other aunt.

So now my daughter knows who everyone is but won’t call her grandmother mamie, she has known that’s what they call her since she was born. If you ask her to name everyone, she will and with such enthusiasm, but when it comes to this grandma, she says nothing at all. When my partner told her to find a different name, as she is confused with mamie and mummy, she said oh I don’t like that name or what not when we offered suggestions, why does she (referring to me) have to be mummy when mamie is French, she’s not mummy she’s maman (I’m not French at all).

My mother is Greek and my daughter calls her yiayia (grandmother) and has since 17 months old as she, my daughter, chose to call her yiayia and not grandma even though my mother speaks English too. My partner decided maybe his mother should be called yiayia as they both liked it and I thought, why? She is not Greek, my daughter knows she is not yiayia as she knows my mother VERY WELL, she also understands everyone has a different name in the family. And why should she be yiayia when I “can’t” be mummy? Always has to make it a power struggle.

I can see that she is upset as my daughter won’t call her anything. Now every time we see her, she deliberately tries to upset me by telling my daughter not to call me mummy, as she will say things like you are not mummy, you’re maman and will go on and on an on and won’t stop calling me maman until my child blurts out maman to my face or some other name of the equivalents in French. One time she told my daughter not to call me mummy but to call me by my first name, my daughter repeated it, It didn’t upset me personally, as my daughter is a polly parrot, I know she would never say that and she and her daughter laughed thinking I was hurt as they saw the frustration on my face.

I saw in her room written on a black board “maman, papa, all her children’s names and my daughters” with love hearts around, all written like my daughter was hers. It’s the first and only grandchild. So I get the impression that she wants to feel like a mother all over again. I certainly don’t want my daughter to be raised the way she has raised all 3 of her children.

She is pushing it, and over stepping her boundaries by deliberately trying to antagonize me IN FRONT of my daughter and using my daughter as the bait for her sick mind games. I know why she is doing it, out if spite, for feeling unwanted. I feel like she is digging her own grave because she refuses to be called grand-maman, grand-mere or any other name for grandmother or a special name just between the two but she WANTS to be called mamie. The thing is, my daughter has chosen who gets called what and my daughter doesn’t want to call her mamie. Time soon will pass and before I know it, my daughter will be 5 and still won’t be calling her anything. My daughter still won’t call her mamie, she just points at me and says mummy!

I keep telling her to stop! My daughter is confused. She’s not hurting me at all, secretly I really enjoy it - what goes around comes around. I know my daughter has chosen what to call me, just like she had a choice to call her father daddy or papa. She doesn’t want to call her mamie, but every time, she’s forcing her to call me maman, just to “hurt” me. If my daughter wanted to call me maman, and she does but very rarely, I’d accept it, I’d accept anything so long as it’s respectable and translates to mummy or mother no matter the language. But even if my daughter wanted to call her mamie, mummy is English and I am her mother and English is my language, I’m not maman nor am I French.

If I could sever all ties with her paternal side of the family, I would. Unfortunately my partner is encouraging this behaviour by deliberately setting us up together at the same place or putting me in a spot where I am forced to go to gatherings and not putting his foot down either. This is disgusting, childish, emotionally damaging behaviour for my child to have to witness. Not only are they deliberating mocking me, they do it all in front of my child, are disrespecting her and encouraging bad behavior, this is only half of the bad things they do to try and get their own way with my child.

Now my partner is saying that I am jealous as every time they play this game I pull my daughter away and tell her/them no, she’s/your not mamie, she’s confused, she’s made her choice, move on. My daughter is slowly distancing the bond she has with her grandmother as she feels the hostility all around. I see it, the grandmother sees, hence why she’s pushing it, but my partner doesn’t. My partner forces them around and I want to cut the ties, if this was my family, they would’ve been out of my life and my daughters the second the kept over stepping the boundaries but my family are still in our lives as they respect me as her mother and respect my daughter and what she chooses to call them.

My daughter is very strange around her now, angry/irritable at times when the 3 of us are together in the same room. She’s not like this when It’s any other person around just specifically with her grandmother. She is a very manipulative person who has her son perfectly wrapped around her finger and he’s to thick headed to see why I have a problem so she will never stop. Every time I see her, she brings this up, if she really wanted to, she knows there’s another name besides from mamie, if she wasn’t being so childish, my daughter could have been calling her grandma or grand-mere or whatever else she wants to call her by now but she doesn’t and it’s the grandmothers own fault for feeling unwanted/unloved.

OK she’s hurt but she’s certainly going the wrong way about it. In the end, my daughter might/will resent her. She’s a bad role model for my child. Since I can’t cut the ties due to my partner, what else can I really do to make him see how terrible it is? He’s not firm like I am and weakens at the knees when it comes to confronting his family on any matter.

2

Dear Emsmum
I feel for you. My daughter is in the same situation as yours.
Can I suggest this: If you daughter agrees to it, how about ‘Mamou’? This is what ‘young’ grand-parents sometimes chose to be called these days. My daughter calls her French speaking Grand parents ‘Mamou’ and ‘Papou’. Next time you see your mother-in-law, tell her that her nickname will be this, and that’s it.

Languages and culture is a sensitive subject with grand-parents… I can speak from experience.
Especially when the child, at some point, will speak more or less of one of the two languages.

Don’t hesitate to PM if you need to talk!
:slight_smile:

3

Your daughter senses your dislike for her and is acting accordingly. If you made an effort to like her or at least not show your disgust for her, then your daughter would act accordingly. It is your dislike for your partners family that your daughter is feeding off of. You can not change your partners mother the only person you can change is yourself. If your attitude improves towards his family so will theirs. Your attitude is apparent in your writing and you have taught your daughter this attitude. Maybe if you change your attitude your relationship with his family will improve. Your daughter did not acquire her attitude on her own. She learned it from you. Sounds like you are disrespecting them. Yes, obviously your partner is not anxious to confront his parents nobody wants to confront their parents. It is disrespectful. Unless they are doing something way out of line (which I did not read) you need to work on a solution that does not attack her. Attacking his mother is disrespectful.

Sorry to be so strong but the younger generation has no respect. Sounds like this family has assisted you a lot and you sound very ungrateful. I think you should look in the mirror as to where the problem lies. French people are extremely sensitive about their language. I suggest you work with your daughter about pleasing her grandmother and teaching your child about respect instead of being the disrespectful person that I read. Yes, not liking his family and teaching your daughter this is disrespectful. I assume his family is assisting you?

Maybe some of the Chinese people can chime in on respect. Hopefully that culture has not lost their respect for their elders too. Did not want to sugar coat things to you. Your partner has the same opinion I do or he would have dealt with his parents. His mother knows you are what is between her and her granddaughter and that is why she attacks you.

One of you has to be the bigger person and end the feud, and from a respect point it should be you. My suggestion is plan a fun girl activity with his mother and your daughter and work on mending the relationship. apologize whatever it takes, I am sure things will be so much better then what you have now.
Become her friend instead of her enemy, and teach your daughter to like and respect her grandmother. All the other problems you wrote about will disappear.

Yes, dealing with the guys parents is difficult for most mothers. I have been their myself. My daughter is their now. Trust me it is best handled as a friend with respect then a feud. If you make every effort to improve things and their is still problems you are on the moral high ground can look yourself in the mirror and your partner will be more anxious to help you.

4

Thank you for your feedback. Certainly shocked, yes, considering I said this is just one of the many things she does to go out of her way to disrespect us and I hadn’t even mentioned what that was. It’s disrespect on our part as I have said my daughter who is clearly capable of speaking for herself, has chosen not to call her mamie. She knows everyone by name and not hers, why? Because she doesn’t want to. I would like to move on, there is no more to discuss on this subject but each time, she keeps repeatedly saying to my child, she’s not your mummy.

I’ve been her mummy for 2.5 years, why would my daughter want to change that? Why would she want to stop calling me mummy when it’s all she knows me as and that has been her choice?. I assume you’re a lot older than me, probably a grandmother/father yourself. clearly your generation is no different to mine, certainly manipulative, selfish and controlling, set on your ways, especially if you approve of her behaviour. If todays generation is bad, have to blame the previous for raising us that way. Why are so many in denial that they have failed as parents on today’s generation? - we had to learn from someone didn’t we and that’s our parents, can’t blame anyone else as we are all raised by someone from a different older generation.

As I have stated my partner has mentioned to her that our daughter doesn’t want to call her mamie, if she wanted to call her mamie, my daughter would be calling her that, she doesn’t because she doesn’t want to. She has been speaking for herself since 17 months of age. My daughter doesn’t care what language it is, just like she has chosen to call my mother yiayia and not grandma, her father daddy and not papa, regardless of what language it is, she had choices for everyone. It’s bad to force people to say/do things they don’t want to say/do - that’s controlling, selfish behaviour.

I certainly would be hurt to if my child knew everyone but me but I wouldn’t push the subject out of spite to deliberately try hurt someone else, especially when I am in a position to love and respect that child. I said I’d respect it if my daughter called me maman, but she doesn’t want to call me that. Why would I call myself maman when I am not French? Why should her language be respected and not mine? Under what circumstances is any of what she is doing OK? I have no tension around her actually It’s grandma, despite the fact that I don’t like her or her family, I am well in control of my feelings for the sake of my child.

It has to stop because I’ve noticed my child’s change in behaviour around her. I’ve always noticed she doesn’t call her anything, hence why we say, find something else, it’s not the end of the world. I told her to stop because she is only hurting herself, my daughter has made up her mind. The only time I have ever shown tension was on the last incident, which was last Saturday as this has been going on since I think mid August, last time before this incident, we thought she had accepted it, finally I thought, but made a big scene on Saturday, that’s when my daughter decided to act funny around her for the first time.

It’s not my fault my daughter doesn’t want to call her mamie. Mummy is English too, what else am I supposed to be called if my daughter only wants to call me mummy? She had many options on what to call me. She won’t call me mum or mama or anything else. Every language should be considered important, especially when a child, like mine, is of a diverse background. I am not going to change my native languages vocabulary and definitions just to suite a French speaker who can’t accept there’s more than one language spoken in this world than French.

I know my partner has spoken to them in the past because they know things that only my partner could have told them as I had only discussed it with him. I know that no child wants to to confront their parents on a matter, no matter if they are 15, 30 or 60 as I do it myself with my own mother but if I consider it an important matter, I put my foot down. My partner expects me to be the one that tells them what we want/expect as I am assertive but denies it when they confront the matter as his mother is the type of person who has acted inappropriately with me before, threatening me and screaming at me in front of my child, when me & my partner had chosen to spend Xmas with my family in my native Country that year and not hers with her family. She has never met my family but bad mouths them out of fear to manipulate my partner. My daughter was crying from her shouting. I told her to leave.

It’s the continuous disrespect that encourages us not to want to see them as it’s always in front of my child. When she doesn’t get her way, she’s emotionally abusive, threatening me and my partner backs down, doesn’t matter if the subject is about their neglect or their refusal to accept my daughters choices. She doesn’t like me because I am not weak to speak up, she knows my partner is and it frustrates her because if I wasn’t around, she knows the family would be having their own way with our child, my partner would be placed on the back burner, and they’d feel like parents all over again.

I used to encourage my partner to take us over their house so we could spend time with his family, but all this has stopped. It was either come at our house or someone else’s place with many family members around, as I know she won’t abuse me. Since the last time we went to their own house, she gave my daughter a lighter to play with, and had left a lit cigarette sitting on the edge of the holder at the ledge of the bench, where my daughter was trying to get at it. Then on her birthday, she hands my daughter a lit candle and laughed thinking it was funny when she burnt herself. Refuses to believe second hand smoke is more dangerous than being the smoker, so my kid always smells like an ashtray and left her unattended next their unfenced swimming pool and she was sitting at the edge of the pool when I found her, there could have been a silent drowning. They know they have boundaries and have continuously crossed them to get on my nerves to make me feel inadequate as a mother, they see it doesn’t work so she’s changing her tactics. I have been putting up with it for too long now and my daughter is beginning to understand.

As any form of communication, text can easily be misinterpreted, chunks of pieces missing to the story, there’s always two sides, and of course there is anger in my writing as that’s what I am feeling right now, I never showed my anger before as I know it’s what she wanted. I see she’s angry when she sees me, my daughter senses it and now I am angry because she’s too selfish to stop. I will just take my daughter away from the situation and distract her with something else or quickly change the subject as I can’t easily walk away. My partner has given up because he knows there is nothing else he can do, they continue to force feed, be neglectful & can’t understand my daughter doesn’t want to call her mamie.

I have asked other forums for advice and all but one (yours) said they didn’t understand why we would bother to have my child be around someone who is abusive and controlling. All the family sees is that we all keep coming back, even though they keep it up, it’s giving them reasons to not want to stop. It’s something that I would love to do for me, but I know that my partner doesn’t want to cut all ties, at least until they knock some sense in themselves. The best we have done has been not seeing them unless It’s at family functions but last incident happened at a family function, in a restaurant. Then they show up at our place the next day and the saga continued when I told her to stop.

I could happily continue with every neglectful thing they have said and done but I feel bad enough writing a novel of a story.

.

5

@ hypatia, sorry I never saw your message. In Greek, papou is the proper term for grandfather and my daughter knows that is who her great-grandfather is, she calls my side yiayia and papou for my grandparents at least until she learns how to pronounce the term properly for great-grandparents. My father is not papou, she doesn’t call him anything, she doesn’t know him even though he is in my life.

As I said, her grandmother refuses ANYTHING but mamie so that is why my daughter has resulted in calling her nothing at all, if it’s not mamie, has to be yiayia, they are the only two that she likes and my daughter won’t call her yiayia either because her grandmother doesn’t know that she has a very close relationship with my mother. My partner knows this and we avoid telling her as I know she would become even more upset if she learnt that my mother is the one she is always asking for when she is not physically here.

My daughter has called her great-grandmother mamie but only because she was coerced by her grandmother to say it in front of me. It didn’t bother me at all. I don’t know if she would voluntarily call her mamie if her grandmother hadn’t persisted in pushing it. It might sound like I am saying it in a bad way and no matter how bad I may sound to some, you would have to be there to see why I am saying she is really pushing it. She won’t stop, even if after 20 minutes my daughter still won’t call her mamie, she’ll still push it until eventually she has become mamie, and I am maman, even if it takes an hour for her to say it, even if it lasts for a second until I become mummy again - she feels like she has won the battle.

6

As the mother, you should be the one to decide who gets to be called what for your daughter. In any relationship, there should be boundaries in place. As a mother who has to look after your daughter, it is vital that you keep your sanity as well. Don’t let this issue affect yor ability to be the best mother you can be.

Your daughter is growing everyday, 20 years from now she will tell this story about her 2 “mummies”. Hope that that story is a funny one. :wink:

All the best to you! :slight_smile:

7

She is obviously out of line and loves pushing your buttons. I still feel your relationship with her is because of the relationship you have managed to create between you and her ( an antagonistic one). The only person you can change is yourself. What your daughter calls you is none of her business, but how she wants to be addressed is her business and it is disrespectful not to accommodate her. Obviously, the cigarette and lighter thing is out of control. Many smokers are totally inconsiderate of others.

Establish your rules and make them clear to her like: (your job not your partners)

No smoking, lighters etc around your child.
Your daughter will call you mummy and she is not to make comments,

But what she wants to be called you should work on.

I also would explain to her that telling her I am not mummy (your daughter is probably taking this as you are not her mother, not the name) and that is why she wants nothing to do with her.

You paint her out to be a monster. Maybe, she is worse then you write. But sounds to me like you have let a few items that could have been handled blow up into full out war. Still say your attitude towards her is a large part of the problem.

If she violates your clear and direct reasonable rules. Leave! She will eventually get the message.

Yes, I am older and have been involved in several of these types of situations. Most of them minor as what you describe. As you grow older you will find such trivial disputes a total waste of time. Obviously, your child’s safety should be your main concern. Unless your child’s safety is at risk it is best to try to get along. The best way to change things is to try to gain her as your friend not your enemy.

It takes two to tango and you are obviously part of the problem.

8

Patreiche, this’s what’s really going on, many apologies for the depth - again.

They won’t accept that my partner is not the person they want him to be, they can’t accept his beliefs and values are different, that he has a mind of his own, a life of his own with his own family now. Blaming me is helping them feel better about themselves as parents.

I don’t understand how I am not accommodating her? I am telling her to stop, move on, find a name that her and my DD both agree on, so she CAN be verbally acknowledged, but she won’t. Harsh as it may seem but she doesn’t even deserve to be called grandma. Now that she is over pushing it, my DD is pushing herself away because grandma is playing evil monster with her mother.

My DD has no interest in her aunty cause she can sense that she’s not a good person who has no interest in her, my daughter guessed it right. She is not like that with anybody else and for my daughter to be reacting now, despite all the bad things that has happened in the past, mistreatment towards me from her grandma, in front of her, my DD has always been loving towards her, says a lot.

For me to want to cut someone out of my child’s life, especially a family member, whether permanently or at least for a while, would only happen on serious grounds. I would never deprive my child from family over something as silly as this “who should be mamie” incident.

I have told them their boundaries well and truly very clear. Some incidents have been situations that could lead to life-threatening injuries or deadly consequences for my daughter, they’ve already lost their dog from their lack of common sense, my partner respected my concerns, took that part seriously as that could have been our daughter and we began to see them less, stopped going to their house and only see them at a place deemed “child-safe”, while I always keep my eyes at the back of my head open.

Then also, this could be her reasons for over pushing, the main reason I believe:

I am the TR in THEIR Country, she knows I have no drivers license, no money, no friends, no family. She knows I can’t just take my DD and leave the Country, she knows I can’t communicate enough to call the police & perhaps be understood, if she threatens me with violence, or uses acts of violence, she knows her family would lie to the police if they saw that.

She knows I have no choice but to put up with it because my partner would rather have them in our lives so he has somebody to go to when he wants money. She is teaching my daughter to be violent, verbally aggressive and modelling many other poor traits. His family live 10 minutes away from us, they never even bother/ed to visit their grandchild, apparently it’s because we don’t have a garden but more like our place is too boring for them, it’s a small apartment. We always had to go to them.

It’s not about her grandchild, It’s all about her son wanting to distance himself from his family, his own personal choice. I believe she’s trying to push my buttons so I will snap in front of everyone as she knows her behaviour is only encouraging us to keep our daughter away from her and the family. She wants me to look like the mother who wants to deprive her own child of her family.

She knows my daughter would become hers if her son got custody. I have proof I try to stay away because of negligence & violence. I am being as calm as I can be and making sure people we both don’t know are around to see it, like at restaurants, just in case. So I know it’s not going to stop because I refuse to snap and break.

Her husband doesn’t love her, her son wants little to do with the family. Her two other kids are as bad as her. She wants my daughter only to feel loved. When she found out I found a lawyer, she was scared and threatened me. She also said to me, ‘‘how do you think I’d feel if I lost her?’’ Didn’t care about how her son would feel or how her grand daughter would feel.

My partner is 26 years old, works F/T and we have our own place. She calls him all the time, many times a day. Pays for our groceries, his petrol, buys his shoes, clothes, undies, helps pay his bills, even though he’s capable of supporting himself financially. Rescues him from every financial situation if it arose. He’s not walking away because he’s enjoying all of this, taking her for granted, he’s saving money this way. She is threatened by me because of my family and their wealth. She knows that he could have a better life with me in my Country, have a more supportive network, a better lifestyle, a better job and a nice home.

Then, of cause, time comes if me and my partner were to ever separate, she has everyone else on her side as I have no one. This is a stunt she pulled when I had organised to take my daughter overseas to visit her “other” family for the first time- she pulled a very bad stunt that could have cost me having my child in my life, luckily it was thrown out of court.

It makes me feel less about my partner as a father. He thinks our daughter doesn’t understand and says that his family are not THAT bad. Of cause, It’s his family, he will always love them, sees what he wants to see and I respect that he loves them, deep down, but our daughter doesn’t need to see it nor grow up believing she was the main cause of it and blame herself. I want him to see that.

9

Wow… I’ll bet that can be really frustrating. I think that if it were me, I would just flip the script on ole grand-mere. Every time she does that, don’t immediately go on the defensive. You know what I mean… rolling your eyes, or letting her know by your body language that she’s once again succeeded at making you feel uncomfortable. Instead, be happy all the time. Let her know that she can’t MAKE you feel insecure as she has in the past. When she tells your baby, ‘call me mami’ come right back with a playful, no, I’m your mami, that’s your grand-mere’. Hug her and laugh with her and treat it as if it’s just a game you and her grand mere like to play. This way she will get the message but with no hard feelings. If she has the nerve to get upset, well… she’ll be tasting her own medicine. Don’t let this bring you down, or deteriorate your relationship with your husband. Know that only YOU can make YOU feel any certain way. I can almost guarantee you that this will work. One day you’ll look back on all of this and laugh. Don’t worry, your baby will soon be old enough where she’ll know exactly what she wants to call everyone and there won’t be much they can do about it :slight_smile: Happy Days!

JuJuBees Mami

10

Jujubeesmom, I agree with you and I did that at first. I told her I know she is doing it to get a reaction out of me and I don’t know what she thinks she is trying to achieve by behaving that way as she’s only hurting herself. I’m not feeling hurt or angry but I feel frustrated that she’s using my daughter as a way to try get at me in a spiteful way. She hardly sees my daughter already due to her/their negligent/disrespectful behaviour, I don’t want it any worse than it already is. I only see them some-what frequently around this time of year.

last time I saw her, I took my child away or from out of her arms while acting normal and distracted my daughter with something else but then I think my daughter sensed something wasn’t right and I had to say something the next time she did it. I noticed she had left the restaurant and was gone for some time, her smokes and lighter were still there so I knew she went out to cry since her husband was gone too and he doesn’t smoke. Judging by what my partners says, she’s a woman who won’t stop till she gets what she wants. My partner has said something to her so will see how she is next time I have to see her.

I told her the same thing, she might want to be called a certain name but my daughter could choose something else for her and she’d have to respect that, she can’t force it. I feel like I’m back in kindergarten when she is around. This is behaviour I’d expect from a 6 yr old, not a 51 year old.

Thank you everyone.

11

Back here again on this and it’s very long and complicated as it has gotten really bad for me unfortunately and seriously don’t know what to do. It has gotten to the point where she is trying to make look like a bad mother alienating her from her granddaughter, trying to humiliate me in front of all her family now and telling lies about me to feel isolated when we are at family gatherings, maybe so I will feel left out, obviously they believe her to be a victim of some sort. My daughter is never interested in me when they are around so maybe she wants me to feel ‘left out of the family’.

I haven’t liked her since the day she came into my house and physically/verbally threatened/abused me in front my partner and daughter. Before all this, we used to go over their house like 4 even 5 times a week and that was going on for over a year and a bit. Since I’m strongly against my child being around abusive people in front of my child (she could hit my daughter one day out of frustration), we hardly ever saw her much after this because we don’t think she is a good role model for our daughter and always force feeding her and dangerous situations she puts my daughter in. We have only been to her house 3-4 times during the past year and mostly see her on family gatherings or other places so maybe now once or twice a month.

However since December it has severely escalated. My daughter is 3 June 20 and still doesn’t call her anything, at least not to her directly, my daughter does call her grandmere at home but ‘grandmere’ keeps confusing her by being a different name each time we see her so daughter gets confused as she won’t refer to herself as grandmere. My daughter has always had a loving relationship with her and the rest of my partners immediate family, except his oldest sister, but my partner is claiming that she thinks I am jealous that my daughter always wants her over me when we are together. I am a SAHM, my daughter never has a chance to miss me, she always prefers to be with someone else that she doesn’t see often because she misses them, she prefers my partner over me when it will be the 4 of us together because she hardly sees him too and always was the one to comfort her.

Everytime we see her and her daughter do something we tell them not to do and still do it, I immediately go over and take my daughter off her to stand my ground and she runs off crying saying that I don’t want my daughter to know her. She does this every time and still refuses to respect the boundaries. When we go to restaurants, we prefer to have our daughter sit next to us, especially not with her and her youngest daughter, because they force feed her and she gets so sick from all the food she had already eaten before we arrived as we say not to feed her because she has already eaten and because we are having her on a special diet to track down her allergies but she has reactions that I can’t know what it is because she has fed her too many different things at once.

It’s her attempt at trying to take over. However she has abused me again, verbally, in front of my daughter and entire family, my partner was not there, over something that could have seriously injured my child and it became the last straw. Many attempts to help reach out to her but I don’t understand this problem because she never calls for my daughter, daughter hasn’t seen her aunty and grandfather since Xmas eve and this grandmother never comes to visit our apartment to see her when she knows we refuse to go to her house. She’s keeping herself away and has all her family think I’m bad. But this family never bother with her so I’m lost at her purpose for such vindictiveness when I don’t really know what she is trying to gain. We are moving in less than 2 weeks and will be 4 hours away and this has been happening for 7 months now.

I realised this happened Sept 10-11 and not mid Aug. I don’t want an abusive person in my daughter’s life when I know she has put her life at risk before but I am forced too because my partner. She wants her entire family to hate me and so I will feel isolated at family events but come the move, I will only see them once a year and only ever saw them 3-5 times a year so I’m getting confused? She says I isolate my partner and my daughter from the family but there is absolutely no way possible for me to be doing that. I’m a migrant, no job, no money, don’t speak the local language enough to even catch a bus, no license and even if I wanted to see the family, if my husband doesn’t want to, I can’t go regardless. I live in the middle of nowhere and I can’t even get to them by public transport if I wanted to.

I notice my partner isn’t visiting them so much since a long time, maybe because they never bother with our daughter but of cause, he hasn’t said anything to me, I just see that he has stopped seeing them so much and we used to see them all the time. When they have rarely come, it has only been for a very quick stop and was to give something to my partner. The family is very controlling and over-protective so maybe he wants them to think it’s because of me but literally, no one bothers with my daughter at all. Should I just give up?

12

Em’s mum…

Should you give up? This response is coming from a very real and heartfelt part of myself. Yes. Give up and just allow things to be as they are. Have peace in your heart and wish peace for the hearts of your precious family. These spats about what names she’s called are ridiculous. Let her call her whatever - if your daughter wants to she will, and if not - you win! But no matter what she calls her your daughter is Smart! She knows you are MOM and no one can take that from you with even the best effort. Those tears your mother-in-law cries are the same tears you cry when your feelings are hurt or you feel unloved. We all feel hurt the same way through our many different trials, and I am sure her feelings are genuine. What would happen if you just ignored the so called bad behavior of your relatives? What if you did just ask for a list of what she’s eaten when she’s with them, or watch and note the things she eats when you’re all together to help check her allergies. (I suggest that cause my niece is going through the same deal, trying to pinpoint allergies.) What would be the result of your NON-REACTION? Would your daughter be put in any real immediate harm? Would she be in a more loving environment once this has all passed? Some mistaken non-reaction for complacency, when it is quite the opposite. It is the ability to set your ego aside, and see God in everyone, for we are all of God. Answer these questions honestly for yourself. There is love beneath all of this. Namaste.

13

A name is a name. The most important thing is to be spending time with the child and having a good relationship with the child and the child having a good relationship with them and no one is feeling robbed of a relationship just because of a name. If a name sounds to much like a name they already have for someone else chances are they won’t end up with the name that they want. Some grandparents get lucky and get the name that they want and some others don’t but to create such a bad environment over a name is ridiculous and childish. The most important is the love, not the name. I would be absolutely heartbroken if I didn’t have a name AND didn’t have a loving relationship with the child but I would rather wait for the child to call me what she would want to call me then to have no relationship at all. There will always be problems in a relationship with in-laws when children are involved and many parents make the mistake of not setting the boundaries clear from the start. You tell them not to feed her but chances are she will still do it, whether to annoy you or not, when she would be alone with her. It’s something all in-laws do. It does sound like she is doing it deliberately though and you need to put your foot down NOW.

14

Jujubeesmom - everything is deliberate to provoke me that is all and she is very well aware of the allergy thing. Everything she does, I don’t react unless it is where I feel like my child is in harm of some sort but there are times where I am not reacting but she thinks I am and things get worse.

We have sinced moved 4 hours away and before we left I made my bf’s sister aware of what her mother has been doing and the abuse towards me from her mother and other sister from past to present and I can see that it was discussed with her mother because the mother did not acknowledge me at all when we came to their place to say bye and again my daughter acted strange because she sensed the tension. She barely acknowledged my daughter then went and locked herself in the bathroom to cry and refused to say bye to her son and grand daughter.

She knew we were moving 4 hours away and knew that she would be seeing even less of what she already saw of her but chose to spend those precious moments they should have had together, to use my child as a pawn to deliberately try and hurt me, which it did not, the only thing that hurts is to see this woman who actually makes no efforts for her, do this to my kid and then play the vicitm. She only makes efforts for my kid when others are around to act like a loving grand mother. She only makes efforts for her son.

I have a hard time knowing how to handle this because I want a complete break from her seeing my daughter until she learns to keep my daughter out of her strong dislike for me but my bf allows her to see her on skype and acts all secretive and his mother sees that and plays on that because she has him on her side. How can I put my child in a position where this person and family is psychologically and physically abusive towards me in front of the child and her father and uses the child as a pawn to try and hurt me yet I am forced to accept this abuse because it’s ‘family’ and I am the bad guy from keeping her away to protect her.

Shouldn’t I be teaching my daughter to walk away from abuse, even when it’s family? Bf is not on my side so nothing will ever change. He allows them to abuse me in front of her and says absolutely nothing because he is ‘scared’ he can’t even say no to his family over something so small.

Abuse is abuse and I worry about my child in years to come.