Oh a question we all want to know! "if we are developing a growth mindset in our children, and a parent comments on how clever our child is (within earshot of them) how can we respond? I am looking for a response that validates the ease at which kids learn while young but still ensures my child hears a response that is based on their effort. We want to promote early learning and grow our children’s mindset.
I have been trying different variations on “Oh, yes, she really loves to learn/chat/explore” etc but I have yet to find a response I am completely comfortable with. What do you do?
I’ve been mulling over something along the lines of, “Oh yes, she has put a lot of effort into learning that…”
Unfortunately with young children, some of my ideal responses, “She’s worked really hard on that…” are likely to ‘open a can of worms’ with people then assuming that means you have the poor child’s nose to a grindstone and forcing them to work instead of “having fun” or playing! This is my own anxiety - I don’t want to get into too many debates on the subject of early learning!
Luckily, so far my DD is quite good at keeping her knowledge fairly hidden - she seems quite socially aware and tends to follow the conversation of similar aged children… until we get home!! But I know it will become an increasing issue over time.
I still have yet to finish reading mindset, but I’m finding this thread extremely useful, so thanks to everyone 
One thing I’ve changed is that I try to express a lot of enthusiasm for trying things that are difficult. My DD is never very keen to try things she finds too challenging - she gets very frustrated and becomes quite emotional. So I have really tried to praise her whenever she has a go at something tricky, “Wow, you are trying something really difficult there…that’s great… You didn’t give up! You kept trying! Oh look - you found it easier that time, it’s because you’ve been practicing…Trying things that are difficult will make your brain grow stronger” etc.
Then I also point out when I or someone else has tried something difficult - I was talking to my mum today about how I’d found learning a piano piece very difficult - but how pleased I was that I’d made the effort. This was quite a natural conversation but I was able to highlight it and make sure my DD was listening!
Then at the end of the day, I’ve started asking questions like, "What did you try today that was difficult? (as well as asking about things that are interesting, fun, new, that you are proud of, that made you happy / sad, did you overcome any problems today) etc etc - also good to spark a reflection on the day I think.
My current response to these types of remarks is " you would be surprised what little kids can do once you know how to teach them" it stops the random praise and leaves the door open for more questions if they re interested. what it doesn’t do is acknowledge my kids part in it… But it’s the best one I have found yet because it is kind of a mild slap in the face for parents who don’t do early learning lol
Maybe a slight change of wording could cover all…
Just got the book today and am excited to start reading.
Mandaplus, perhaps:
" you would be surprised what little kids can do once you know how to teach get through to them"
? I like the retort, and hope to use it should I succeed with EL
In general, I try to discourage my children from using the phrase “I can’t” at all costs. Instead, I teach them to say “I can do it, I just need a little help please.” Then I will find a small way to help when with whatever they are doing until they are successful, or sometimes it just might be offering a suggestion on problem solving, leading them to it. We’ve tried to ingrain it in our children that “[Our Last Name]s try hard!” and we talk openly about what matters, failure or trying your best. DD went through a phase when she didn’t want to try new things that she wasn’t a “pro” at, and it was then I realized we needed to take a new approach. While we have seen some significant improvement in this area, it’s been far easier to start my younger son off on the right foot to begin with. I grin from ear to ear every time he’s playing with his toys or putting together legos and exclaims “I CAN DO IT!” Tweedlewink style. lol
Oh teachingmytoddlers you are a life saver!
" I can do it, I just need a little help please" oh it’s just perfect! I am printing out on a big bright yellow sheet now. This is the solution to our homework nightmare! Thank you! This will take the wining out of asking for help and allow mummy to stay calm and happy to help
Well it’s either that or I make my 8 year old watch twiddle wink! 
Just wanted to share a little piece of good news:
Do any of you have experience with the Incredible Years parenting course? One of the strategies suggested is persistence coaching, where the parent tried not to step in immediately if the child is frustrated or asks for help, instead focusing on problem-solving talk, e.g. “that looks tricky but you’re almost there”, “you’re working hard to solve the problem”, “I’m right here but I think you can do it yourself”, etc. Well, after months of this, over the weekend my 2 yo began to exclaim “I solved the problem!” whenever she succeeded at something she found difficult instead of the usual frustrated wails! Yay!
So tonight my two-year-old managed to give me a heart attack, stump me, amaze me, and make me realize the need for a Growth-Mindset book on positive correction! All in one stupefying moment. Please, please tell me how I could have handled this better via a growth-minded perspective as I simply froze!
So Alexandria is fully potty trained, but has been going through various food allergy issues…(hence her fascination with asking perfect strangers about their bowel movements!!! Aahh, EL!). Her issues culminated in a haphazard dash to an absolutely filthy grocery store restroom. So no handicapped toilet, me kneeling in filth holding a screaming, indignant, miserable toddler. Highlight of my life. To calm her I explain about 'hovering’nto avoid germs :nowink: Yes Ladies, you know what I mean!
So, fast- forward a week! Today we visited a friend and Alex went off to use toilet…they have sort of a narrow toilet ‘closet’, so I went to check…
HEART ATTACK!!!
Envision wholly nude toddler in a T-formation! She is shockingly flexible (thanks Doman!) and had managed to put a foot on each opposing wall, walk up said wall, to balance with her bottom roughly over toilet…At least a foot above bowl!!! :ohmy:
I froze.
Do you shout, grab, huh?! Right, Safety first!!!
So out of my mouth comes "ALEXANDRIA I------ M-------- H--------, what do you think you are DOING!!!
…and she looks at me, so proudly!, and says, "look Mommy, I am ‘hummering!’…
So I, saving my heart attack for exactly .5 hours later, say "oh. Wow, That is a really creative way to hover. (really?!). But it’s not safe and we don’t put feet on walls! (never mind me have an entire garage of designated ‘climbing walls’, mommy!)
So, seriously need some additional work on encouraging a growth-minded praise with ‘constructive’ criticism designed to keep her safe but still encourage independence, creativity, and out-of-box thinking!
Anybody want to chime in on ideas on how I could have handled it better?! It’s okay to be blunt!
lol I might come up with something but I will have to stop laughing first! lol