Here’s the situation. My parents don’t have a huge bank account, my husband’s do. His parents bring gifts EVERYtime they visit or we pop by…usually something small like a book or toy…sometimes larger. Anyway, my folks bought my son his very first trike for his first birthday- something they were very excited about - being the ones to give him this significant “rite of passage” gift. Very excited. It is going to be perfect for him next year and for many years to come.
Today, my inlaws came with a child’s desk, a covered turtle sandbox/pool, and a baby trike- one that he can use this summer. Unfortunately, my inlaws have unknowingly (I’d like to think) “one-upped” my folks…again.
Question: What should I do? Let my son play happily with the toy and grow his muscles & coordination or tell my in-laws that we’d like them to take the trike back? It sounds silly to write that, but it’s just that my folks always feel like the ones who get stepped on. I don’t even want to tell them, but they just live down the road from us - they’ll see him on it. AAAAAHHHHHH!
Oh, girl… I hear you. I have similar issues with my in-laws. They are huge gift givers, and it seems to be the only way they know how to express any affection. However, my husband and I do not want our daughter to be this way. I have watched other kids in my family just grow up to be what I feel like are users. That sounds so harsh, but they only come to their grandparents when they want something.
So, we made a point to both of our families (although only one side really needed to hear the message) that we feel like children today have far too many things and we even told them about several studies that show the desire for more and more breeds discontentment in children.
We have chosen to select one large gift for our daughter for each birthday and Christmas. Then anyone who would like may contribute, however much they wish. This ensures that our daugther, while not having a plentitude of toys, does have high quality toys that she will actually use. And we told them they are welcome to give her a book or item of clothing if they want to give something from them personally.
As far as other unsolicited gifts, we’ve had to just politely tell our inlaws several times things like, “that is so sweet of you to think of our daughter, but she already has something quite similar” or whatever fits that particular situation. I have learned that beating around the bush seems to only cause more problems and breeds resentment.
I hope this is at least somewhat helpful. I feel for you!
I believe I understand your frustration. My in-laws are expensive gift givers, and my parents are not.
I have explained to everyone, parents, sisters, brothers, and friends that my dd wants for nothing. I agree with Tornado, I am trying to avoid the consumption trap. Me and my partner are able to provide the basics of what are dd needs, and she does not need another toy, dress, book, or anything else. Of course, this doesn’t stop most of them, but at least then my parents are able to see that I would prefer NOT to receive the gift. My parents can feel Good about not buying anything because they know that they are respecting our parenting style/choices. My parents can opt out of the one-up-manship game with their head held high.
I try to discourage any gift giving, even for birthdays, Christmas, or other holidays. I strongly encourage the gift of ‘TIME’. My dd loves to spend time with people and she would rather do that than play by herself with a new toy. My sisters and sister in laws now almost appreciate knowing they don’t have to stress about gifts, they just have to book an afternoon to visit with dd. Bonus feature of this strategy - I get some much needed alone time.
I have not been successful, yet, I am hopeful this next strategy will work out for me. I have cautiously approached the in-laws regarding an education savings account for my dd, instead of gift giving. Again, I have explained to them that dd wants/needs nothing at this young age, but, eventually she will need a very large sum of $$ to attend college/university. I am hoping that I can redirect some of the $$ from expensive gifts into an education account. This strategy (if it works) has 2 advantages. It removes the one-up manship game even more, because there is nothing to SEE, and more $$ for college/university is something dd will need.
Good Luck to you kizudo. If anyone else has some strategies I am anxious read to them. This is an ongoing struggle for my family.
At Christmas my side always chooses different charities to give to - no presents are exchanged. We’ve been trying for years to get his family to buy into that idea…but to no avail.
I love the idea of putting money into an educational fund, but find it hard to believe that they’d go for that…my family, yes, his, no.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I’ll tell my folks about the trike tomorrow. Hopefully, I’m just projecting and that they won’t be as disturbed as I think they may be. Sigh…
I only wish I had your problem. My mother as a single woman earned a big income, but never spent much on the kids. Nor gave them much of her time. Now we dont associate with her anymore. As she made it clear she did not value my children. Fair enough that grandparents on a pension or small retirement income cant afford much, but the least they can do is spend time with the kids, and give the adults some time alone or to get other things done. I dont have that luxury. My older kids grandparents spend time and a little money on my kids, even on retirement income (despite living 2.5 hours away), so I appreciate their relationship with my kids. But my kids noticed that my mum spent much of her time and money on trivial pursuits, and on her dog. And they got nothing. They did not feel she loved them. (She lives in the same town as us!!) She has had plenty of warnings and opportunity to change, but refuses, so she is out of our lives.
Kids dont know what costs a lot and what doesnt. As long as they get gifts and visits and sleepovers at the grandparents, they’ll feel loved. And that’s whats most important.
Boy, that really stinks! I’m so sorry that your relationship has come to what it has. That must have been (and may well still be) a rough thing to deal with. I hope that one day she’ll see what she’s missing and try to resume a relationship with you and your kids.
But, I agree, time and love are all the kids really need.