my son is a 2 year 8 months old, he is fighting with and biting other kids. and he seems to have fun when other kid cry. how do i stop him fighting
Dear Sadhu,
Below is an excellent article that I hope will help you:
Fighting And Biting
No.81; Updated May 2008
All people have aggressive feelings. As adults, we learn how to control these feelings. Children, however, are often physically aggressive B they hit, bite and scratch others. These behaviors are fairly common and often appear by the child’s first birthday. Parents often struggle over how to manage their child’s aggressive and/or destructive behavior.
While some biting can occur during normal development, persistent biting can be a sign that a child has emotional or behavioral problems. While many children occasionally fight with or hit others, frequent and/or severe physical aggression may mean that a child is having serious emotional or behavioral problems that require professional evaluation and intervention. Persistent fighting or biting when a child is in daycare or preschool can be a serious problem. At this age, children have much more contact with peers and are expected to be able to make friends and get along.
BITING
Many children start aggressive biting between one and three years of age. Biting can be a way for a child to test his or her power or to get attention. Some children bite because they are unhappy, anxious or jealous. Sometimes biting may result from excessive or harsh discipline or exposure to physical violence. Parents should remember that children who are teething might also bite. Biting is the most common reason children get expelled from day care.
What to do:
* Say "no", immediately, in a calm but firm and disapproving tone.
* For a toddler (1-2 years), firmly hold the child, or put the child down.
* For a young child (2-3 years) say, "biting is not okay because it hurts people."
* Do NOT bite a child to show how biting feels. This teaches the child aggressive behavior.
* If biting persists, try a negative consequence. For example, do not hold or play with a child for five minutes after he or she bites.
If these techniques or interventions are not effective, parents should talk to their family physician.
FIGHTING AND HITTING
Toddlers and preschool age children often fight over toys. Sometimes children are unintentionally rewarded for aggressive behavior. For example, one child may push another child down and take away a toy. If the child cries and walks away, the aggressive child feels successful since he or she got the toy. It is important to identify whether this pattern is occurring in children who are aggressive.
What to do:
* It is more effective to intervene before a child starts hitting. For example, intervene as soon as you see the child is very frustrated or getting upset.
* When young children fight a lot, supervise them more closely.
* If a child hits another child, immediately separate the children. Then try to comfort and attend to the other child.
* For a toddler (1-2 years) say, "No hitting. Hitting hurts."
* For a young child (2-3 years) say, "I know you are angry, but don't hit. Hitting hurts." This begins to teach empathy to your child.
* Do NOT hit a child if he or she is hitting others. This teaches the child to use aggressive behavior.
* Parents should not ignore or down play fighting between siblings.
When hitting or fighting is frequent, it may be a sign that a child has other problems. For example, he or she may be sad or upset, have problems controlling anger, have witnessed violence or may have been the victim of abuse at day care, school, or home.
Research has shown that children who are physically aggressive at a younger age are more likely to continue this behavior when they are older. Studies have also shown that children who are repeatedly exposed to violence and aggression from TV, videos and movies act more aggressively. If a young child has a persistent problem with fighting and biting or aggressive behavior, parents should seek professional assistance from a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional who specializes in the evaluation and treatment of behavior problems in very young children.
http://aacap.org/page.ww?name=Fighting+and+Biting§ion=Facts+for+Families
- Ayesha
Hi! Boys are born to conquerors, aren’t they? There are many things I would do, but one of the more important things, I think, would be to prep. him before he goes. I would speak to him and see if you can come up with a good way to love the children he will be seeing. You can ask him, “What is something kind we can do for … when we see him?” Just telling him to stop an action leaves a void. It needs to be filled with something good. “When we see Johnny, let’s wave and give him a big smile. Do you think he’d like it if you took turns sliding on the slide? What do you think he’d like to do?” Be excited, so he catches the excitement of helping others and being kind. Pay attention while he is playing, and if he starts acting selfishly, call him over to yourself and start asking him questions again. “Oh, look, it looks like Bobby doesn’t have anyone to play with him. What do you think he’d like to do? Do you think you can help him …? That’s great! You could be his cheerer-upper!”
If he continues to fight and bite, tell him that he is fighting and hurting the child, and remove him from the situation. If there are consequences he’d understand, let him experience the consequences. (One consequence might be to sit next to you and watch all the other children enjoying themselves. He’ll want to go enjoy himself, too, but you can remind him that he can’t because he might hurt someone.) Then, later in the day you could say something like, "Boy, it would be nice to go to the park … oh, but we can’t go because you might hurt other children. Too bad (and act disappointed).†Don’t be emotional, just compassionate (towards him) and matter-of-fact. Then, later you might come up with another idea, “Oh, wouldn’t it be fun to go to Sammy’s house! Oh, but you might fight with Sammy and hurt him. We better not go. Too bad.” Hopefully, eventually, he’ll figure out that he is missing out on a lot of things because of the way he is acting. Hopefully, he can let you know that he doesn’t plan to fight or bite anymore. Let him initiate it (so it is his idea, not yours).
Those are my ideas. I’m sure it isn’t the only way, but I hope it helps some.
Ayesha and THen–thank you for constantly replying with wonderful information for everyone. Karma to you both!
Dear THen,
I like your compassionate approach that seems to be missing from the article I posted. It reminds me of the excellent work by the late child psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott, and two of his students, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish:
http://www.betweenparentandchild.com/
http://www.fabermazlish.com/
And Dr. Ginott’s work is the basis of world-renowned marital/family researcher Dr. John Gottman for his books entitled Raising an Emotionally Intelligient Child, and What Am I Feeling (an abridged version).
http://gottmancatalog.orderport.net/1450/listsubcat.asp?sc=254
Thanks for the great ideas that I will be sure to use with my own.
- Ayesha
Thanks for your encouragement!
But, I can’t take the credit. The suggestions about loving and putting off bad actions and putting on good ones come from the Bible (Matt 10:27-37 & Eph 4:22-25) I just applied it to little lives. The other, I got the idea from Love and Logic.
Love is the key, don’t you think? :happy: