I need some advice because admittedly, I am really angry right now and not thinking straight. My mother in law displays such blatant favoritism towards my sister in law’s kids and is so different to mine! She is always unfavourably comparing them, whenever my daughter misbehaves (as kids do) she always tells me to hit her or be strict and whenever the other grandkids misbehave, which they do all the time, and my sister in law reprimands them) she gets upset and says “OOOH dont say anything…stop it.” Then…she publicly goes on about how marvellous her other grandkids are and if anyone praises my daughter, she either keeps quiet and says that they havent met her other grandkids or she criticises her and mentions the one time she misbehaved. Whenever my daughter says or does something special (as a result of Glen Doman), her grandma just keeps quiet and doesnt say well done or anything like that but if her other grandkids do something no matter how ordinary, she goes on and on and on and on about how wonderful they are!
When I point this favoritism out to her she becomes really nasty and says that I am making things up and just yells and screams (we live in a joint family by the way). So…my question is, I am worried that my daughter will grow up with a complex…I just dont know how to explain to a small child why her grandma gets the other kids presents on a regular basis but not her (because I cant explain it myself) or is different to her. Any advice please? How would you deal with this vis a vis your CHILD. I dont want to tackle my mother in law because (a) it is impossible to change the habits of a grown woman; (b) her behaviour is between her and her conscience; (c) she gets really nasty in other ways when she is confronted.
It is very sad that a grown woman would behave like that.
And of course I understand that you can not do anything about it. Just as hard as it might be - try to ignore it and
do not letting this to upset you. I think you will live without her praises. Just because someone paying attent
But to your daughter I think is too early to say that "Sorry, baby! Your grandma doesn’t love you, she loves her other grandkids more.
I think at this age it will be too difficult for her to understand and accept all this situation.
Most of the time your daughter would not get the idea that the grandma unfair unless someone will point it out to her.
Please, do not point it out to her all these things, because it would be upsetting to anybody, espessially to a child.
If she will mention something to you, say " the grandma loves you so much, you are her favorite, she knows that you’re the best,
that is why she is so strict - for you to be better and better.
And also try not to show that her behavior bothers you, because , who knows , may be she behaves like that just to get you mad,
who knows how wicked she is…
I grew up in a family like that. My grandmother knew everything about my cousins right down to there grades in school. She bragged up and down about them,and never said anything about me. And my poor little brother had it worse. She gave all the other grandchildren cards with cash in it for our college grads and my brother just finished his course and she didn’t even call to congratulate him. He was so hurt. It wasn’t the money or present, it was just the thought he wanted.
My parents we very straight forward with us and just made sure that we knew it was not our fault she was this way. And in no means were the other children better then us.
Did it scar me or my brother? No. We are just brushing it off our shoulders. Confronting does no good
It seems to me that usually, grand-mothers are more drawn towards their daughter’s children than their son’s children, as those are raised by ‘another woman’, when their own daughter are more likely to be close to them. When parents split, grand-mothers also usually have more acces to their daughter’s children than their son’s.
celeste,
How sorry I am to read what is happenning. As hypatia said and i know as a grandma, normally a we feels more connected with your daughter’s kids than to your son’s. And the other way around also is true. We prefer to leave out kids with our mother whom we trust than with our mother in law. But that is no excuse.
I understand your frustation and since you already tried to talk this out with your mother in law I found Nadia’s recomendation is what i would do.
Do your best in ignoring the silly comments or recrimination of her side and be happy with what you are doing. Maybe she will react positively and realize her bad attitude will not get her closer to your kids. I know it is very difficult for you but maybe it is worst for your husband seeing his mothers preference to his sister’s kids.
My Maternal Grandmother was similar with my sisters and me. She praised my cousins and their families and implied we were not good enough. As adults we sisters are happier and better adjusted then our cousins who received praise. It hurt as a child but perhaps it also made us better women. Our father was the least successful of the son-in-laws but he loved us and showed us unconditional love. I think your love and acceptance of your daughter will be best for your daughter.
Thank you all for your comments. You’re all very kind, special people and I wish you all the best for taking the time out to comfort a perfect stranger! I was really upset yesterday and came across this sentence in a self help book (imagine…she has driven me so batty, I’ve actually resorted to reading those!) that said, “What someone else says cannot really annoy or irritate you unless you PERMIT it to disturb you.”
But really, I’m an adult and I can rationalise it (albeit with a lot of help) but what really worries me is the effect on my daughter. I’m just so sorry her grandma is this way. I had such a loving relationship with both my grandmas and it’s a shame my daughter has to be exposed to being belittled and unfairly compared. It can really undermine a child’s sense of confidence. Words can be very hurtful.
I’m so sorry your mother in law is acting this way. It really isn’t fair
I hope you can find a way to explain it to your daughter. Maybe tell her that’s just the way she is and it’s no reflection on her. Or perhaps say that her cousins need the praise more because the are not as clever as her lol (just joking perhaps this is not a great idea)
When you say you live in a joint family what do you mean by this? Do you live with your mother in law or sister-in-law? If so that would make it extra hard.
I would do as Nadia said and ignore it. Your young child wont notice it unless they hear you pointing it out. By the time they are old enough to notice, they will be well adjusted and will not need Grandma’s approval because they will have your love. It is hard to ignore it and be the better person, but think of the example you will set for your child.
I have noticed that my sister’s children are treated with favoritism from my mother too. I think it might just be because her kids were born first and so she i just more attached to them even though she doesn’t realize it. Case in point being Christmas. My sister’s two kids we given more and were video taped more, while my little girl was just kind of sitting on the other side of the tree playing with her toys. I realize that it is silly, but not only does it hurt my girl, it hurts me too.
My husbands parents are “funny” with our son too and favours their grand daughter who is less than a year younger.
At my son’s second birthday party they ignored him and carried on about everything the grand daughter did. My son noticed for himself, he went and got a pen and asked me to write for him so he could read for them…the poor little thing wanted to impress them and what did they do? Ignored it and went home.
I hated them for it.
He can’t do anything right.
They don’t approve of us teaching him and they’re taking it out on him. They completely ignore him and they make absolutely no effort what so ever to get to know him.
We don’t wear shoes unless we are going somewhere important or where there could be dangerous things on the ground. They don’t approve so for xmas, birthday, easter he got given shoes.
It was upsetting me to the point of despair, I cried a few times for the hurt it had caused my son.
Now I just laugh it off and have decided that my son will grow up with a very clear understanding that you just can’t please some people and we all have to learn how to deal with all sorts of people and if they can’t give him the love he deserves then they can at least teach him that some people are just horrible and you have to learn to deal with it anyway.
Their opinion no longer matters to us. They are his grandparents and he should know them, their behaviour will decide whether or not he grows to love them.
You’re not alone, it must be so hard living with it day in and day out, but your girl will grow stronger for it. Your love will get her through.
