Disciplining children

[Twinergy]

Prihem,
I almost forgot. When one of my children actually does hurt the other I like how this article handles the situation. It models the correct behavior rather than criticizing the wrong behavior. When we use this technique with my boy, he always tries to be gentle, but he is usually so wound up at the time he doesn’t actually accomplish it. We also work on gentle hands at times when he is calmer. The only thing it doesn’t cover is what to say to the child who got hurt. I like to empower the hurt child by giving them the language to tell someone to “STOP” hurting them. What I really like about this is that it is giving my children the courage to stand up for themselves when I’m not there. This will be very important in about 13 years when my daughter says “STOP” to some over amorous teenage boy.

wenjonggal,
I think that the above article could help you too. Young children have diffuclities processing the direction when you present it a what not to do. I have read that when you say “don’t xyz” they only hear “xyz.” Try rephrasing and telling him or modeling what to do instead. I once told my daughter “don’t climb the drawers,” she repeated “climb the drawers” and continued what she was doing. Then I said “feet on the floor, close the drawer” and repeated it a couple times, she followed my instructions.

[wenjonggal]

“Have you tried praising him as you make it through each aisle, telling him you are so proud of him because he listened so well and obeyed you and didn’t touch anything? You can tell him that you are amazed at how much self control he has because you know he would like to touch but he doesn’t.”

Of course I do that all the time. I point out when his behaviour is ruining our nice time, and then tell him how it is, or what it would be like if he did it so it went well: “You and mommy just had such a lovely time at the library, and mommy just loved reading books with you and playing with you. But it makes mommy angry and sad when you act all silly and run around screaming and going spaghetti legs and not putting your coat on when it is time to go home. It would be so nice if you would say “ok mommy!” and help mommy put your coat on so we can go home and have some good soup for lunch!” And then notice it and praise the bejeezus out of it when he does do it nicely. In fact it is kind of a problem as now when he DOES do something nicely, he points it out, and says “Mommy say thankyou? I say “ok mommy!” and put on my coat. I no be silly today when time to go home. Mommy say “Thankyou to me”?” And then when I say “oh, yes, that is wonderful! Isn’t it nice to have a good time instead of fighting! Thankyou!” he replies “you’re welcome mommy”… agh.

I know it almost sounds ok, and it is nice that he can rationally think of the wrong and correct behaviour and point it out: “mommy! I no say “okayokayokayokay” not nice to Mommy, I say “okay mommy!” nicely. Mommy say thankyou?”… but dang, it is NOT a favour to me that he just acts normally that I should be called to thank him for every time he acts just normally. But yes, I model the behaviour I dislike (and no, it isn’t usually breaking things or hitting or anything, usually backtalking or refusing to do something saying “I WANT” or going all silly and goofy and refusing to cooperate while laughing and going floppy) and say “It isn’t nice/ I don’t like it/ it bothers everyone/it’s dangerous when you do this” (whichever is appropriate) so he is clear WHAT I dislike (not so sure he knows when he is being impossibly goofy that he recognizes what he is doing if not), and then model the behaviour that would be appropriate… and he can usually clearly articulate what is right and what is wrong. And I point it out, and praise him when he does good, and I do tell other people in front of him.

But yeah, sometimes the problem IS me having been playful with him, trying to turn a task into a game (he now wants to play hide and seek for ages when I come to get him at the daycare, or when he is supposed to go to bed). Or having him help at grocery shopping (who knew he could chew right through a whole bunch of carrots or a package of cheese within a bag! I got him to carry that instead of something breakable!)… and yes often the problem is him NOT wanting to QUIT a fun activity with me… he gets goofy, so if I say “who can get dressed to go out the fastest?! let’s see!” he will often rush about laughing and throwing clothes everywhere, putting the coat on his legs instead of his arms, etc etc… which is REALLY frustrating when you are trying to get him to the bus stop on time or daycare before the cut off time. Anyways, I’ll look into the books you suggested, and let you know what I think of the PET book.

And I am still a bit boggled by the pinching upper arms. Dang. ouch. Just reminds me of characters in movies who pinch kids in church while staring straight ahead, or pulling their ears. My own upper arms just cringe just thinking about it. On the other hand, my mother would put her teaspoon in her mouth and draw it out REALLY SLOWLY while looking at us if we were fighting at the dinner table… we’d smarten up pretty fast as we knew if we didn’t it would shoot out and bonk us on the head. Caused zero pain, it was just sort of unpleasant and you didn’t want it to happen… so yeah, just that spoon slowly coming out of her mouth upside down and we’d settle down! LOL! I guess that is a less nasty example of a similar thing.

[patreiche]

My grandson is the same way. He is very energetic, all boy, and very playful. When you are not trying to get something done it is not so bad, but when you want to accomplish something it is a problem. He eventually grows out of his bad behavior by being consistent and following all the wonderful non-violent solutions, but it is tiring.

I understand that pinching his arm is a faster solution to the problems. I understand that the parent or caregiver should be in control. Yes, I watch Super Nanny but I don’t think she ever uses violence. I think some children just challenge their parents or grandparents more then others. I will try to incorporate some more of the very good non-violent solutions I have received from this forum. I will let you know what works best.

I just do not think a 2 year old requires violence. When he was only 18 months old, my neighbor was mean to him because he went into her garage. I just can’t understand being mean to a child. I understand how tiring it is. I understand how parents want their child to be the perfect little angel and have everyone comment how well behaved their children are. Trust me I would like to hear these comments, but not to the determent of the child.

My mother method of discipline was to be violent with us. We were generally well behaved because of the threat of violence. The violence was not normally required and very rare because we knew it would occur. I grew up not really liking my mother. I respect her and have a distant relationship with her, but I never went to her with any problems I ever had.