How can I teach my preschooler to stop hitting his playmates and grabbing their toys?
Expert Answers
Marilyn Segal, developmental psychologist
At this age, kids are just reaching the point where they can use words instead of actions to express their feelings. This makes it an excellent time to start teaching your preschooler how to say what he’s feeling rather than showing it. Encourage him to say “That made me mad” when he feels like hitting. Also try these tips to make playtime safe and enjoyable for everyone:
Monitor him carefully. If your preschooler bites, hits, scratches, or yanks another child’s hair, intervene immediately. Gently pull him away and tell him that what he did isn’t okay. You may need to take him away from his friends for a few minutes to cool down. See whether his behavior follows a pattern; you may find that certain situations set him off. He may resort to hitting when a playmate refuses to give back his favorite toy train, for instance. To avoid this, put cherished playthings away and leave less beloved toys around for sharing.
Play games that encourage cooperation. Pretend games, such as playing house, help teach preschoolers to work cooperatively. Because these games emphasize role-playing, they also teach your preschooler to express his feelings with words. If he gets angry during the game, prompt him to talk about his feelings by asking, “You’re the daddy in this house. What does a daddy say when he feels angry?” If he’s had a good example to follow, he’ll handle it just like his own daddy does: by saying he’s angry and explaining why.
Find new friends. Consider the possibility that the playmates on the receiving end of your preschooler’s aggression aren’t right for him. If hitting and grabbing arise mostly in the company of the same one or two kids, perhaps it’s time to help him find some new pals. The number of children playing together could also be causing the problem. Hitting could be your preschooler’s way of making himself known to a pair of buddies who are ignoring him, for instance. Limiting the number of kids to two (who generally play together better than three do) may solve the problem, as will as adding a fourth child, which lets the children pair off.
Reward good behavior. Preschoolers thrive on praise, so make sure you dish it out when it’s warranted. When your child shares his toys and plays cooperatively, say so. When he tells his friends that he’s angry instead of lashing out at them, take him aside later and let him know how proud it made you. When it comes to curbing aggressive behavior, you’ll probably find that praise is a lot more effective than punishment.
Help him understand his feelings. Though preschoolers are beginning to understand what emotions are, they often don’t understand the differences between these feelings or know how best to express them. Fortunately, there are a lot of great books that encourage kids to recognize their emotions and talk about how they’re feeling. Today I Feel Silly and Other Moods That Make My Day by Jamie Lee Curtis and Laura Cornell and When Sophie Gets Angry — Really, Really Angry … by Molly Bang are a couple to try. Helping your preschooler give his emotions a name will make him less likely to act out because of them.[/b][/color]
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