Book review: Calmer Easier Happier Parenting: Descriptive Praise by Noel Janis-Norton
This is a free one-chapter e-book which comes from a more comprehensive book of the same title. The author says that this is the most important skill of her whole book and the best place to start. The approach is suitable for children from age 3 upwards, although i suspect many younger children may also benefit. I read it because I am finding that my 4-year old can be less than cooperative with many activities including EL and I wanted to find ways to positively motivate her, as well as to encourage a love of learning and find ways to encourage effort and a positive attitude towards trying new challenges. And to get back the fun and joy of learning together.
As a backdrop, I’ve been heavily influenced by books such as Mindset (which has been extensively discussed on the forum) and Punished by Rewards / the Perils of Praise. But for me I felt a bit stuck as to how to fully apply the principles in practice. And while I tried hard to praise effort over intrinsic ‘cleverness’ this it didn’t seem to be helping to motivate my highly sensitive, perfectionist, strong-minded daughter.
At first glance a book with the term “Praise” in its title sounds like the exact opposite of the other books, but having read it, I think there is a lot of congruence as all the books talk about specific praising rather than using non-specific superlatives such as “you are great!”
This book focussed on how to use specific descriptive praise to encourage positive behaviour and this could be applied to developing any valued skill such as independent self-care, politeness, cooperativeness, or self-directed learning.
In a nutshell, you should choose one or two behaviours that you wish to work on. Then you begin by specifically praising any small move that the child in that direction. You are supposed to avoid or minimise criticism or negative statements. For a challenging behaviour you may have to start by praising as often as 10 times an hour and gradually reduce over time. I have elected to work on cooperativeness with learning activities, and caring behaviour around the home (tone of voice, manners, kindness towards sibling etc). Some praise I used today was “you came upstairs the first time I asked you today, that showed a lot of cooperation” and “you practiced the piano today without once saying no, and you tried a piece for the first time with two hands and played it all the way to the end”. “You talked didn’t scream or hit your brother when you felt upset just now, really well done.”
Other areas we may start to include are showing grit / determination / perseverance, trying new challenges and being independent in many ways, including self-motivation in learning.
My worry was that continual praise might be detrimental or create a “praise junkie” who can only operate when being praised. Interestingly, the author says that it is actually the opposite - the children internalise the rules and become far more self-motivated. I have been trying this for only two days and I already see a marked difference! This is why I’m writing this review because I can see such a major change. When lost for words ive tried reminding my DD of a recent time that she behaved more positively in a similar situation and that really seems to help. She is already telling me proudly when her behaviour shows caring, or cooperation! In a way I feel like a terrible mum as I wish I’d been better at this before. I can’t help wondering if everyone else finds it easier and does this more naturally!
Anyway, the book is free so would be very interested to hear if anyone else finds the ideas useful. I’m fairly sure I’m going to buy the full book in the near future! There is also a book on homework which may also be helpful for afterschooling or homeschooling families.
here’s the link:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00B1SWVY8/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb
I don’t think this is available currently in the US Amazon site - maybe try here instead: http://www.ebooks.com/1112320/calmer-easier-happier-parenting-descriptive-praise/janis-norton-no-l/
This is the first step that I have taken that I think has paid off big time. Like you, I was finding that my patience was getting very short and that EL activities were becoming less and less enjoyable. Our relationship became a bit strained and I felt quite down as I did not want to give up on EL but wanted us to have a happy loving relationship at the same time. Six weeks ago I found the Orange Rhino blog and made a commitment of NO yelling at all.