I had always felt that my daughter (now aged almost 3) was more sensitive and tended to be much more emotional than many of her friends. She reacts incredibly strongly and her emotional life is a real roller coaster. She is actually a very happy girl but it can swing wildly and quite quickly from up to down and back again, especially when unwell or tired. When talking to friends, they would all say the same about their children, but then when watching the children, I noticed that my DD definitely seemed to feel things more deeply, and struggle to cope with her emotions more than others. It just did not feel quite the same as standard toddler reactions. My second child is completely different – he is almost the complete opposite where very little seems to bother him and he is generally cheerful and content.
A few months ago, I read an article that lead me to the book, The Highly Sensitive Child (HSC) by Elaine Aron http://www.amazon.com/The-Highly-Sensitive-Child-Overwhelms/dp/0767908724/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334948030&sr=8-1
I was fascinated to discover that Aron feels that being “Highly Sensitive†is in fact a genetic trait which is present in around 15% of the population. Interestingly, it seems that most HSCs (about 70%) are also introverts (defined as preferring only one or two close friends and disliking being in group situations). However, my DD is a definite extravert – she is shy in groups that she does not know but actually loves the company of people, is extremely talkative when feeling confident and is very much a people type of person. So she (and probably me too in all honesty) is a relatively unusual character – if the stats are accurate then only about 1% of the population fit this personality style.
If you are interested in whether your child might fit this profile, you can click to Look Inside the book on Amazon and it has the questionnaire as part of the introduction that you can read online.
Some of the traits are things like:
- Startles easily
- Doesn’t like big surprises
- Learns better from gentle correction than harsh punishment
- Clever sense of humour
- Doesn’t do well with big changes
- Is a perfectionist
- Highly sensitive to pain and to noise
- Performs better if strangers not present
- Aware of danger
- Feels things deeply
Sensitivity does not mean being necessarily shy or ‘neurotic’ but a greater tendency to notice more in their environment, deeply reflect on things before acting. HSCs tend to be empathic, smart intuitive creative, careful, and conscientious (being aware of the effects of a misdeed). They are also more easily overwhelmed by too much input at once, and can seem easily upset. Aron says that the HSC’s brain processes information more thoroughly, so they have faster reflexes, and are more affected by pain, medication etc.
Although HSCs have many wonderful traits, there are a number of challenges around being a HSC. They can become totally overwhelmed in a situation that many other children would not be bothered by, and they may try to cope with their sensitivity by withdrawing from others. Some may throw tantrums or rages or have meltdowns when feeling overwhelmed (this is my DD to a tee lol !) Others get physical symptoms – headaches and stomach pain. Some can lose hope and become afraid and withdrawn.
Anyway, this book has really fascinated me, because it is such an accurate description of my DD. She scored around 17/23 on the questionnaire (apparently scoring more than 13 is suggestive of a HSC). Aron has some advice about coping with a HSC but I’d very much appreciate the input of others on this. Much of it is about going with the child and not overstressing them. But I’m not sure, as I’ve always been a believer in facing your fears rather than avoiding them, which just makes things worse in the long term.
For example, my DD is very active and loves physical activity such as gymnastics. We have been doing a Tumbletots class where I go in the class with her, but at 3 (her birthday is tomorrow!) she is due to go into a gymnastics class alone, with me watching from the side. We did a trial class this morning, and although she agreed to go in, unfortunately, one of the bigger boys (quite gently) hit her face by mistake in the warm up. After this, she basically refused to become involved and just sat watching on the sidelines. She gradually got more and more upset so I took her out, and then when we tried again she just cried and refused to participate, so I took her back out again.
I decided not to try again as she was so clear that she did not want to go in again on her own. It is certainly not the physical side – she is more than capable of doing that – this is much more a confidence issue. She is verbally very advanced and proceeded to have a long and detailed conversation with another mother on the balcony about why she did not want to go back in and how brave she’d been! So my plan is to carry on with the parent and child class until next term (September – which will be almost 5 months so she may be more confident by then). One of the gymnastics instructors seemed understanding but someone else made a comment about needing to persevere… In fact, I hate being beaten by anxiety or fear but I don’t want her to grow to hate gymnastics either.
Anyway, the HSC thing seems to dominate so much of our activities that I thought it would be interesting to hear if anyone else has any similar experiences or ideas about how to support a HSC. Perhaps being one myself is good and bad! Sorry this is a bit of an essay but a subject very close to my heart.
