Is having a second child important?

Parenting and Education (Other) General Parenting
21

Frankly, I don’t have much choice. I adopted my son as a single parent, after trying to get pregnant for years. It will be years before I finish paying back his adoption, and haven’t the budget to do it again, nor the time or energy for a second child. No chance of getting pregnant at 46 if it didn’t happen at 30 or 38, no partner to help out. So my son will be a single child unless I get together with someone who is already also a parent.

As for the “they’ll be friends”, “they won’t have the burden of aging parents alone”, etc… one never knows. I was close to my brother two years younger than myself until there was my youngest brother. Then I was the elder girl, expected to help mom, and the boys were … the boys. Always together while I was the girl. My brother who was closest to me died age 24, and yes, I still miss him, 20 years later. He has NOT been here to be an uncle to my child, to share life with, or to help with my aging parents. I never had a sister, and though I wanted one, the lack of a sister isn’t this gaping hole of sadness of my brother having died.

My other brother and I have almost nothing in common. He was into team sports and groups of friends as kids, became a conservative Christian after years of trouble with the law. I hated team sports, loved quiet reading and drawing and one on one, always lawabiding and an agnostic. My mother has signed me to be her will executor and sign her living will, as she doesn’t trust my brother who will want to keep her alive by any means, and is very bad with money. So I foresee battles with him, both emotional and financial when my mother is unwell or dying. We have never been close, played together as kids (though I did babysit him when I was 12-15, and was thrown out of cinemas etc as I couldn’t force him to behave), shared viewpoints or sense of humour, or attitudes about the world or the family.

So, yes, it might be great for a child to have a sibling, and if I could afford it, with time and money and help, I probably would have another child or two, but one cannot count on them sharing things in life, nor both still being alive later in life to help with aging parents or give comfort or for their children to be cousins (my son has no cousins).

22

It is totally a personal decision, and that’s not just a cliche. Take others’ advice into account, but in the end when you make your decision, feel good about it and don’t feel any guilt for the decision. There are lots of benefits to having siblings (I have one sister and we are close, but fought a lot as kids), but I’m convinced there are also good things about having only one child. My son will likely remain an only – I would like one more but my husband is happy with one and I’m 39 so the age factor plays into it too. I’m not too worried about the socialization and think it has more to do with the kid’s individual personality and upbringing than whether they have siblings or not. My son is very outgoing, a real ham, and plays well with other kids – that is his personality. The 3-year-old down the street who has 4 older brothers is extremely shy and keeps to himself – that is his personality.

23

Hi,
Thanks you post reinforced my thoughts in trying for a 2nd one.
I have a 3 yr old daughter and had a terrible time in my 1st preg, but still I wanna go for another baby as I feel my daughter needs a company.
Fortunately we are in an apartment with lots of kids of her age and they do play together but I feel sad when she gets close to a friend and then the family shifts to some other place. she gets lonely when she has no friend.
No matter how much time I give her but I see her laughing and playing with friends of her age.
My cousin had a baby and ever since my daughter carries a toy saying that its her baby and that she wants to take care of her.
I asked her once that If she had a magic wand what she would want, she said,“I want a real baby”, this really touched my heart.

I am youngest of 4 sisters and feel I couldnt live without my sisters, every decision, every moment of my life is attached with them although I stay miles apart and meet them once a year but i call them whenever I am in a fix and thats what I wanna give to my daughter too.

I just need to overcome my fears of pregnancy and try for another.

24

garry,

I know I hated when people would suggest this when I was trying to get pregnant (but then I was trying and wanted to be pregnant, but you’re not)… have you considered adopting? You could have a second child without the pregnancy, and give a child a good home. My son is adopted from China (admittedly not the fast route these days), and he is just the greatest kid. And in my family, my mother had to be on medication after her first two kids, and so she and my father adopted my brother.

Note, having a child doesn’t guarantee that your daughter (or the new baby) won’t be lonely. I had two brothers, and I was plenty lonely. They were younger than me, and boys, and played more with their friends. And when I played with my girlfriends, I didn’t necessarily want to include a brother 5 yrs younger than myself either… so I am sure he could be lonely too… My youngest brother was very into team sports, very active, and the brother older than him was into reading books for hours if not days… and there was a lot more friction than playing… I am sure the reason my youngest brother bugged and goaded his quietly reading brother daily to the point of anger and violence (the older one finally putting down his book and chasing after the active one, who ran around the house screaming “he wants to kill me!” until he locked himself in the bathroom and my older brother woudl run into the door over and over… sigh) was that HE felt lonely . He had a brother there all the time, but who deserted him for the world of books.

Just to say, you can’t really know that giving birth again will give your daughter a friend and keep her from loneliness. It will give her a sibling (a boy or a girl), which is not the same thing, but valuable nonetheless.

25

Thanks for sharing your story, will keep it in mind.
Garima

26

We just had a second boy nine months ago. I have an older son that’s 3, so there’s two and a half years between then. I was also a bit scared at the prospect of going through pregnancy again (I had high blood pressure problems with my first and had to be induced b/c of it. ALthough everything ended up fine, I was scared by the fact that something was wrong enough for me to need to be induced for.). Luckily, with many conditions (including blood pressure), having it the first time around does not automatically mean you will have it the second time around. I guess it depends what your particular problems were. I had no problems at all the second time around, and a very natural, lovely, calm birthing experience! So different from being induced!

As for whether you have to have a second or not, I think others are right in saying it’s a personal, and tough decision. It’s great that one day your kids will be able to play together, true. But that’s only if they aren’t tearing each other’s hair out. :stuck_out_tongue: But having more than one does mean that you have half the time for each of them. You can’t spend all the quality time with the second one that you did with the first, AND you can’t even spend the same kind of quality time with the first anymore, because they have to share you with the sibling! I know a lot of people say that you HAVE to have a second to provide a playmate for the first, or you HAVE to have a second to socialize the kids so that they aren’t spoiled singles, or because only children are this or that, but I recently read about some studies of only children vs. sibling families. You might be interested. There’s a chapter devoted to studies of that issue in the book “Nuture Shock.” I found it fascinating!

It’s funny, after my first I said “if I can only ever have this ONE baby, i’ll be satisfied – he’s all that I could hope for…all my dreams come true” but we eventually decided to try for a second, and were blessed with another beautiful, wonderful little boy. And I was SO happy! But almost right after he was born I said “this family just doesn’t feel complete! I want more!” (and no, it’s not b/c we were hoping for a girl – people always ask if we are, as if they think we’re missing something by only having boys and not girls. I’m crazy about little boys, and would LOVE to have all boys!)